Internet

False advertising for paintball in Manchester?

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I have been paintballing many times in my life – although admittedly not for a fair few years and not in Manchester. My experiences of paintballing are that it’s a lot of fun, it’s very tiring, it’s expensive (if you go nuts with the paintballs) and, most importantly, it hurts when you get shot from close range.

Protective clothing is recommended.

Now, I saw this advert this week displayed on one of our sites – and it made me chuckle, while also annoying me slightly that ads like this can be used when they’re clearly false.

I have never, ever, been to a paintballing event where crop tops were the norm, as any bare skin would create the most painful of experiences should it get hit with a paintball.

Also, and it’s a minor point, the woman in the ad has her mask raised while she’s aiming the paintball gun – which is also a big no-no on safety grounds.

So, how do companies get away with ads like this when they’re clearly false advertising? Unless this is of course is for some very risqué paintballing venue in Manchester where you can take extreme risks with exposed parts of your body.

Either way – think I’ll give this one a miss.

Humour, Internet

Charles Evans

7 Comments

I received a comment on one of my Tesco blog posts this week from a Durham University student named Charles Evans. I say his name was Charles Evans, he actually called himself ‘The Chicken’, but he entered his email address as charlesevans10@hotmail.com so I’m guessing, being a bright spark student, that he is actually called Charles Evans.

Anyhow, Charles Evans, from Durham University, decided to have a pop at me using some choice language claiming how he, being a Geography student and predicted a 1st, is better than I. Of course, being a student and unaware of the way the world works, Charles will be oblivious to how potential employers, and even higher education establishments (should he attempt to take a Masters or PHD) often use Google to research potential staff and students. As an employer myself I wouldn’t hire someone with Charles’ potential for embarrassing the company or school, and I certainly wouldn’t hire someone with Charles’ obvious poor grammar and spelling – seems they really do give out qualifications like candy these days if this illiterate imbecile can achieve 10A* grades at GCSE.

So Charles Evans, as you are in full time education, you’ll be used to someone (who is your inferior, of course) correcting your badly spelt twaddle with a red pen.

This is Charles’ message to me, and how he would represent your company.

The Chicken
charlesevans10@hotmail.com
90.195.129.74
Submitted on 2010/05/30 at 9:30pm

Mr Daz, your you’re a fucking chief. You work in the media? How the hell can you brag about that!? You have made a ‘film’…HOW THE HELL CAN YOU BRAG!?!?!?
I am a Durham university University educated student, has and have undoubtedly achieved/done more than you have at the age of 20 than you have in your entire live life, you pathetic little prick. I work at Tesco part time, got 10A* at GCSE and 5 A’s at A-level and am currently on track to graduate with a 1st from Durham (top 5 universities in the UK) in geography (currently most employable job amongst leading blue-chip firms)…what have you got? You have made a film? Fuck you.

Thanks for the feedback Charles – look forward to your next message with interest. However, not as much as I look forward to the look on your face when you realise just how the job world, and Google, work in tandem.

Good luck!

Home Delivery Network, Internet

HDNL rebrands to Yodel to escape bad online press

97 Comments

It appears that Home Delivery Network has finally given up on trying to repair their shattered online reputation (just Google for HDNL or Home Delivery Network and you’ll see what I mean) and they’ve opted to change names instead, to Yodel.

The CEO of Yodel, Jonathan Smith, claims the move is to help the company move forward and become the biggest delivery firm in the industry, but we know the real reason. In a comment that made me chuckle, Yodel CEO Jonathan Smith says that Home Delivery Network’s rebrand will allow them to become more customer focused!

“”We are delighted to be unveiling this new brand, which represents our ambitions to be a truly customer focused business offering a full suite of services that others in the market cannot match.”

The combined business is already growing faster than the market and we are excited about our future potential.”

I guess this means that when people come home to find parcels lobbed over fences or packages shattered into pieces and a note from ‘Yodel’ – they’ll struggle to find them online in order to complain – at least that’s what HDNL will be hoping.

Fear not though; already on the case!

Complaints, Rants, Transformers

Toys R Us Cardiff manager goes out of way to be annoying

5 Comments

A few years ago, before the first Transformers movie came out at the cinema, I was with my youngest son in Toys R Us in Cardiff and wanted to buy some of the great new Transformers toys that were in stock. When you walked into the shop, the new one in Cardiff Bay, there was a feature wall on the right hand side of the shop with the latest toys displayed on it.

Now, they also had a great offer on – 3 for the price of 2 on ALL Transformers toys. Great stuff. I picked up a movie Optimus Prime, an Optimus mask and a Transformers Scalextric. However, when I got to the till they didn’t go through as 3 for the price of 2, they were all full price. I naturally queried this, and the manager came out to see what was up.

I was then informed that the Transformers Scalextric wasn’t included in the offer – yet it was on the feature wall with the rest of the Transformers toys. The manager questioned that, saying I must have picked it up in the Scalextric aisle, rather than from the Transformers feature wall. He was wrong, which he quickly spotted when he went to the feature wall. However, he returned with what can only be described as the smirk of someone who thinks they’ve found the proof they need to get them out of trouble. The smarmy git brought back the sign that read: All Hasbro Transformers 3 for the price of 2.

He maintained that the Transformers Scalextric was manufactured by Hornby, so wasn’t Hasbro, thus wasn’t in the offer. Having little time with my son I didn’t stay to argue the toss (unusual I know) and I left, not buying the items.

So this unhelpful moron ducked the offer by insisting that Hornby’s Transformers Scalextric wasn’t Hasbro, so wasn’t included in their carefully worded offer, yet how could it have been made if it weren’t licensed by Hasbro? This back of box shot clearly shows the Hasbro logo (on the right, above the pictures of Bumblebee and Barricade), as all Transformers products (without exception) are licensed by Hasbro – therefore, it is a Hasbro Transformers product.

How do people like that get jobs where they deal with the public?

Internet

E.ON to customers: You’re all losers!

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I’m not exactly known for my tact. In fact, I can be quite offensive at times (it’s one of my most lovable traits) but having worked on a few email marketing campaigns myself over the years, I know that you need to be careful what you say to people. For example, branding your recipients, your customers, as ‘losers’ probably isn’t a wise move.

It could cause great offence.

That’s just what electricity and gas supplier E.ON did last month however, when they sent an email to entrants in a competition for FA Cup tickets telling them they were unsuccessful. The subject line of the email read ‘Losers email’ – which was no doubt a temporary subject line that was to be replaced at a later date, before sending, with something along the lines of ‘sorry, you have been unsuccessful’.

But no – loser email it remained.

Well done E.ON, great way to build customer relations!

From: E.ON Great Saves [mailto:aquestionofsaves@eongreatsaves.com]
Sent: 01 April 2010 17:42
To: ***********
Subject: Losers email

Dear Darren,

Thank you for entering ‘A Question of Saves’.

Unfortunately you were not one of the winners this time round, but don’t forget you can play again for weekly Football League prizes and tickets for the remaining rounds of The FA Cup. Log onto www.eongreatsaves.com for more chances of winning great football prizes for you and your family.

Kind regards,
E.ON Football Ticket Management Team

This is an automated email from www.eongreatsaves.com, please do not reply to this email.

Home Delivery Network

HDNL driver to customers: Stop sitting on your arse ordering stuff with your benefits

68 Comments

Considering the problems this website has reported with Home Delivery Network over the years, you’d think the company would have taken note by now and told its staff to stay off here and stop insulting customers. But no. We’ve just had a massive rant from a delivery driver who seems intent on accusing customers of ordering stuff with their benefit money and running up lines of credit, and being too lazy to even answer the door.

Read this open letter to HDNL customers from one of their delivery drivers. Makes you proud to be British.

From: Annominous

I am a Delivery Driver for HDNL and I have to say that after reading these comments I can assure you that for every complaint you have for us as drivers, We have a complaint for you as customers,

I have just returned from working yet another 13 hour day where I endevour to ensure my van is empty on the return to the depot. We are under immence time pressure day in, day out. If your parcel is due to be delivered on a particular day then it is only fair to ask that you are in to recieve the parcel. When you are not in, usual proceadure is that we will try to leave it with a neighbour, yet we do not have time to be wondering up and down your street knocking on every door until a neighbour answers and is prepared to accept your parcel.

If we cannot leave it with a neighbour then we will return your parcel to the depot and schedule it for delivery another day. this is known as carry over.

Yet you do not seem to understand that this parcel is an addition to the parcels that need to be delivered on the particular day.

If you are not in to recieve the parcel, and you have no neighbours that are in either. then where we deem it safe to do so we will leave it in a place where you can get it, such as behind a locked side gate, shed, or other place out of public view. If you order a parcel knowing that you are not going to be in we try our best to get it to you,

As for the driver who threw your parcel over the fence and it landed in a puddle. I can only say we cannot see through fences, yet if you have ordered something and you know your not going to be in, surely common sence would dictate that you leave the side gate unlocked so that we can access a safe place at the rear of your property so that we can leave your parcel somewhere sheltered.

We as Drivers have our gripes as well. We dont bitch off it about it when we have rung your doorbell and you seem to think we have all day just to stand until you decide to answer.

We dont whinge, when you know a deliver driver is at your door and you answer it. Yet you seem to forget that your item needs signing for and you decide to spend the next five minutes looking for your glasses.

We do not complain when you have ordered items that are of a bulky nature such as flat pack wardrobes and you expect us to drag them through your house to the back room even though we are not inssured to do so.

And for all those who are sat at home on your arses. ordering stuff on the never never because your benefits do not enable you to pay for things outright. We are the Mugs who are out there working and paying taxes that enable you to do so.

If we come to your door and we are not prepared to carry bulky items up your stairs and place them where you want them. By all means spit your dummies out and say you dont want them. We will just press a button that says you have refused the item. No skin off our nose. The company still gets paid for the attempted delivery. And when you re order the comapny will get paid again.

And as for those of you who have the cheek to say that delivery drivers are of little inteligence we welcome you to try and do our jobs for a day. Perhaps then you will appreciate the stress and hard work we go through to get your package to your door. If you can say that you know where every street in your town is situated, and you can come to work at 6am spend two to three hours organising a route around your town, organising where the parcels are situated on the van, and visit in excess of 130 separate addresses per day your more than welcome to try.

When Xmas comes and your all sat at your computers ordering your presents, just remember that we dont even get the time to do any shopping or indeed have a xmas at all. We are out in all weathers 12-13 hours a day busting our balls to try and get your presents to you.

Fact is, HDNL is probably the biggest residential delivery service in the UK. We have contracts with some of the largest online and high street retailers in the UK and we continue to gain further contracts all the time. There is a reason for this. And all of you who say that HDNL are crap quite frankly, your just pissing into the wind. You are a small minority in amoungst millions of satisfied customers.

As for our level of intelligence, We work hard !!! Long hours !!! We do not sit inside nice warm offices day in, day out pushing pens looking at a little drizzle outside and complaining about it. We do not work to set hours.

The lengh of our working day is seriously affected by those of you who order things knowing your are not going to be in or taking an eternity to answer your doors. It takes intelligence to plot a route, Manage time, drive safely and adhere to strict security proceadures. It takes intelligence to maintain a daily delivery target despite the many obstacles that are placed in our path.

So for all of you feel the need to bitch on forums or blogs such as this all we can say is that we do our best but as with everything else, you cant please everybody. All I ask is that you have some consideration for the hard work we endure getting your parcels to you. And for those of you who have complained, One day in the job, would completly reverse your opinions of the job we do, I guarantee it.

Sorry if my English is slightly substandard, I can assure you that it is not becuase I am of little inteligence. but that it is because I started work at 6am this morning, I arrived home at 9pm tonight. I have it all to do again tommorow and I am truly knackered.

Home Delivery Network, Humour, Internet

Man applies for HDNL job with MrDaz.com

4 Comments

Some people were just born to be stupid. It’s in their genes. No amount of education, training or time can divert them off the path of utter moronic dedication. Interestingly, most of these people seem to work for Home Delivery Network – at least if the comments on this blog are anything to go by.

So how does HDNL manage to find so many racist, aggressive, hate filled people to work for them – many of whom are happy to spend their down time reading this website and insulting customers? You may be surprised to know that these utter dredges of society seek out HDNL in the first place; at least, the ones who are able to find HDNL do so anyway.

Some of them fail even that simple act of navigation (which in an ironic twist, you’d think would make them the perfect delivery drivers?).

This evening I received an email through this website from someone wanting to apply to be a delivery driver with Home Delivery Network.

I shit you not.

Presumably after Googling for HDNL they found this website, as so many of you have done too, but rather than realise that this is in fact a blog (one that used to be about SEO and Internet Marketing, but happily lost its way many years ago) this idiot of epic proportions believed MrDaz.com to be Home Delivery Network’s website…

I know, I was shocked too.

This is his application:

Sender: ali
Subject: Mr Daz Enquiry: driver
On 25 March 2010 at 19:25

i have full uk drinen license over 16 yrs also it is clean,i am looking for delivery job

Well… he sounds ideal. He can’t spell, string a sentence together or even find HDNL in the first place – he should be perfect for the role. Snap him up now I say!

Humour, Internet, SEO

Angry people looking for Mr Daz

3 Comments

Now, I realise I do tend to offend people from time to time. I can’t help it, I just speak up about things that bother me and that tends to bother other people. HDNL drivers, Carphone Warehouse employees, chav scum – they’ve all been angered by me in the past. It’s something I’m comfortable with.

However, I was still a little surprised to see how many people have found this website by searching for Mr Daz specifically… and in case you think it might be another Mr Daz, check out some of the search phrases that people have been using – in order of popularity:

mr daz
mrdaz
mr daz csa
mr daz is a wanker
mr daz computeach
mr daz home delivery hdnl
daz on hotmail
mr daz is a prick
usability before seo and ppc mrdaz
mr daz hdnl
mrdaz insults
mr daz.com
csa mr daz

Who are these people?

I particularly like the ‘mrdaz insults’ – it’s given me an idea for a blog, and possibly a book. The little book of Mr Daz insults: for that time when your own vocabulary leaves you devoid of a cutting vitriol.

So much anger, so little time