This guest post was written by Simon

I general, I abhor shopping in supermarkets. It is a fairly dull, dreary task, that doesn’t get anymore exciting the more you do it. Shopping when they are busy is even more upsetting. To avoid this scenario, I tend to go into supermarkets, specifically Tesco’s in Congleton, before I get to work, around 7 – 7.20 am. Unsurprisingly, the store is very quiet at this time in the morning, which is exactly how I like it.

However, it is still open for business, at least that was the impression I got from the fact that the store has “24 hour opening”. So I was rather disappointed to find when I got the checkouts this morning, they were all closed. This wasn’t due to the lack of staff available, just an unwillingness to do any work. I was then directed to the “self serve” checkouts by what looked like a checkout supervisor (the supermarket equivalent of a Russian mafia boss).

I hate the self-service checkouts. My objection to self-service checkouts is pretty straightforward. I work a considerable number of hours a week, so I do not want to put in another 10 minutes at Tesco’s grappling with a machine that doesn’t know what a banana is. What annoyed me even more is that there was a checkout assistant on an actual checkout. Instead of being available for customers, she was wiping it down with a cloth, presumably on the off chance that she might have the ingenuity to open it and serve customers in the store.

As if this wasn’t enough, whilst using the self-service checkout, I had another (slightly obese) member of staff point out that my “satsuma’s were not oranges”. Thanks for that information you moron! She then carefully watched me toil with the self-service checkout until the transaction was complete. Instead of watching customers process their own shopping, would it not be more courteous to open a checkout?

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This guest post was brought to you by Simon.

This Saturday I took a trip to the bridge pub in Manchester for lunch. Having dined there before, I felt confident that I had picked a suitable public house for lunch and a few beers. This confidence was misplaced.

Having walked in and seen the dining area rather empty I assumed that there would be no problem getting a table. That was until the barman told me that he would “have to the clean the tables” before we could enter the dining area, this despite there being plenty of unused tables available. Not wanting to quibble and having no objection being sent towards a bar, we waited by the bar for him to clean the tables. And waited, and waited…. until eventually the bone idol cretin finally said it was okay to take our seats some 15 minutes later.

We ordered what seemed like two very rudimentary meals, fish and chips. Having been hungry, slightly sedated and sat next to a bunch of scumbags from Salford we were very keen for the meal to arrive swiftly. 30 minutes later nothing had arrived, when the food did come it was most enjoyable albeit rather meager in size. At no point did they ask if we wanted more drinks which meant we had to queue up at the bar.

All in all a pretty piss poor effort at lunch- over priced and served by a bunch of morons who couldn’t care less about the patrons. Unsurprisingly I do not recommend the bridge pub on Deansgate.

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My girlfriend ordered me something from the States back in December, and she was told it had to be delivered by FedEx.

Fine, she thought, never had anything from them before, but they’ve got a fantastic reputation, right…RIGHT?

Anyway, she received an email confirming that a delivery would be made on a particular date. She then arranged a day’s holiday so she could sit at home, all day, and wait for the parcel.

Which didn’t turn up. Instead, she got an email from FedEx saying that they had been at her place, at 9:30 in the morning and could get no answer.

Now, this was a LIE. She was up, and waiting for them. There was no ratatat-tat. There was no ding-dong. Was there a “we missed you” card? No there fucking wasn’t. In other words, they were never there.

I phoned up and had a go at them and they apologised (but said they owe us nothing for the day’s fucking earnings my GF spent sat around her place – tossers), and I told them specifically not to post it out again. We would collect it or have to arrange another convenient date later when we had one. She couldn’t just take another day off work like that.

Guess what the retards did next? Sent it out the very next day. A day on which I had motherfucking explained to them that my GF would be at work.

Then she had another email. “Please confirm your postcode – your address does not exist” was the gist of it.

Excuse me?

Do you know how it feels to be told the property you are in at that very moment is not real? Is my girlfriend living in a house that exists only in her mind? You fucking bell-ends.

This estate she lives on has been there 3 years. The Royal Mail can find it. It’s on a TomTom. The pizza boy can find it.

All you do is find people, FedEx , THAT IS ALL YOU DO. That is WHAT YOU ARE FOR. It’s called a PURPOSE. Do you see?

Besides…hadn’t you been in my girlfriend’s “Fantasy Kingdom” the day before? If you’re going to lie (and clearly, you are), get your fucking story straight. You can’t even do that with competence.

I again phoned them up, and spoke to a second senior “Customer Services Manager” (sorry hard to type that with a straight face) who told me they would sort the delivery out, refund the postage cost to the supplier AND send my girlfriend a “mystery gift”. Wow! Someone has finally sorted this out, I thought.

I also insisted they explain the previous cock ups. WHO lied about having been there? Would that person be punished? How did a situation come about that they were tripping over their own lies to cover up their own imbecilic lack of ability to do their jobs? I wanted answers. I was promised they would investigate.

A week later (after successfully – finally – receiving the item they had for us) I rang them again. Did they have answers for me? Why was there no gift yet? Why was the company she ordered from saying that there had been no refund? I was thinking, did that scheming bitch lie to me just to get me off the phone?

I was told that no the refund had not yet been processed but that it was definitely going to happen in the next few days, likewise with the gift. I was also told they would not be able to explain why these mistakes happened. Apparently, there is “no way to tell who was making those deliveries so no way to find out how they went wrong”. Excuse me? Umm, FedEx – aren’t you a rather large company? Aaaand you don’t keep records? You don’t know who vanishes with a truck of thousands of pounds worth of other people’s property? Can I walk in to one of your depots and drive one of these vans away please? Since you don’t record or organise who does this it should be pretty fucking easy, yeah? Get myself a little uniform and I reckon I could pull it off. Twats.

To really take the biscuit (and repeatedly rape us with it), they sent us a further, surprise bill, (we’d already paid postage) and threatened to take my girlfriend to court if she didn’t pay it immediately!

To this day, I have no explanation, no refund, and absolutely no mystery gift for my girlfriend.

Federal Express are a miserable, doltish bunch of thieving, lying, scumbag cowboy cretins, and never will I or my girlfriend buy anything from a website that insists that we take delivery from this bunch of pathetic shit-eating lowlifes. I wish I had remembered the names of the scum-sucking bitches who lied to me on the phone as I would name and shame every one of them here. Unlike Daz here I can’t record my phone calls.

Believe me, I’m an eloquent, intelligent and professional man with a very large vocabulary, but FedEx has pissed me off (and my girlfriend – which is worse, why did she deserve all this shit?) so much I don’t know what else to say. FedEx is staffed, exclusively, with lying, cheating cunts. Some achievement, pat yourselves on the back, wankers.

Ordered something since that was delivered by DHL, who got it to me on time, in the right place.

Germany: 1 – USA: 0

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Now I don’t usually buy from outlets that are frequented by the proletariat, but I made an exception when I saw a nice pair of trainers on the JD Sports website. So I ordered them online in good faith, submitting my payment details. They even allow for a separate delivery address from the billing address, great! (I thought). I promptly recieved an email saying they had been dispatched.

Once they arrived I found to my dismay that they had sent the WRONG trainers in the WRONG size. I immediately rang their customer help line and was told that they would collect my trainers and deliver the correct pair the next day.

I was fairly impressed with their handling of this cock up so far…

So the next day came and guess what, no trainers arrived. So I rang up again to be told that they “hadn’t found my order and that they couldn’t contact the person they had incorrectly sent them to”. They also refused to send out another pair, meaning that I am getting a pair that some cretin has had their filthy hands on.

They advised me that the trainers should be with me by Saturday (morning) but couldn’t guarantee it. I am not holding my breath!

This video shows JD Sports don’t have the best rep online at all…

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Are you tired of going out to the shops to buy your designer clothes?

Well never fear, the internet age is upon us and there are plenty of online shops available out there that allow me to buy what I want within a matter of minutes.

However what happens when your order is out of stock? You usually get a notification to your email informing you the product is out of stock and the money is refunded to your account.

So imagine my shock when for the first time ever I use Zucci to purchase a nice top for the weekend only to be told two hours later by email it is out of stock and that to get my money back I’d have to phone up.

You can see where this is going can’t you?

I phone the number advertised on their email and could you fucking believe it no one is there to take my chuffing call? I tried calling them 5 times within the space of an hour and nothing. I ring again just before 5.30pm to be told the office is now closed and I’d have to call back at 9.30am when they reopen.

What the fuck?? Sounds like no cunt turned up for work yesterday at all. I wouldn’t mind normally but can you imagine my horror when I call back this morning and get the same message.

This is a fairly big company and to have no customer service agents to take my call is pretty wank and shows that they don’t care. The ironic thing is that I was going to see if I could get a different top.

Well not anymore you bunch of tossers. Never before have I experienced such a piss poor service.

If you cunts are reading this, then check your email as I tried to email you about this but of course if you don’t answer telephones, I highly doubt you will answer my emails.

Here’s hoping you wake up and employ some more retards to answer your phones. Twats

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