Gary Glitter slips quietly back into the country, going through the ‘Nothing to Declare’ lane at customs.
Gary Glitter returns to England
How to become an authority website in Google
Ever wondered how to become an authority website in Google? No? Ah, I was kinda counting on you actually wondering that. Oh well, I’ll tell you anyway. I did an Interview for .Net magazine a while ago on the subject, and the whole article has just been published in full on Net Imperative.
The article starts off with the intro:
Natural SEO isn’t just about editing tags on your website, inserting some well chosen keyphrases and building up links. The most successful websites on the Internet, the ones Google consider authorities in their fields, all have similar things in common. Many of them don’t even use conventional SEO practises, yet they rank above seemingly better optimised websites for relevant searches.
Then it proceeds to tell you just how to do it, in five simple steps. Have a read and see what you think; it works too 😉
How to increase the size of your ePenis
From the Urban Dictionary: “Measure of a man’s power and stance on the Interweb.”
Your ePenis is your online reputation, how other Internet users perceive you and the respect they have for you. If you have a truly massive ePenis you are a colossus on the Internet and wield huge power and sway over other Internet users. What you say carries weight, what websites you use matters to others and what forums you belong to is a cause for much interest.
Who cares about all of this? Well for one, you should. If your online reputation is sufficiently high enough you’ll have the ability to launch a new website and instantly flood it with traffic, just because you’re the one who has created it. You’ll be able to write an article on a website and have thousands of people read it, without any effort, because your name carries that level of power.
When a new website launches, what you think about it can make or break it.
For the man (or woman, it’s not gender specific) with a huge ePenis, Internet Marketing is made all the more easier.
Here are ten tips to increasing the size of your ePenis, in no particular order:
- Ensure that all ten results on the front page of Google are actually for you when you Google your name. To have a truly massive ePenis you must at the very least be the most dominant person on the Internet with your own name. Any threat to your online reputation from another person with your name must be stamped out.
- Write a blog. Without your own blog you have no voice, no presence and no reputation. Naturally the software you use for your blog also reflects on the size of your ePenis. For the ultimate kudos boost you should hard code your own blog from scratch, because coders are hardcore and obviously gain huge respect from their peers for their coding skills. Failing that use the industry standard blog software WordPress. Using anything else will cause you to be mocked from afar.Also the number of subscribers to your blog is a measure of your ePenis. Use Feedburner to monitor your blog’s subscribers, and if it’s in the thousands put a badge on your blog telling everyone how popular you are.
- Use Internet acronyms wherever possible to show your knowledge of the language. Terms such as ROFLMAO should be second nature to you. If you don’t know what it means then you have a tiny ePenis.
- Post on forums relevant to your industry or interests and quickly amass enough posts so you are not classed as a n00b. They are newcomers to websites and should be treated with disdain by those with large ePenis’, namely you! The size of your ePenis increases in direct correlation with your post count. The more posts you make, the bigger your ePenis.Ideally you should start your own forum; then it becomes the number of members on your forum rather than your post count that reflects the size of your ePenis.It is also important to mention that the size of your forum signature should be at least 4 times larger than your average post. Those with the biggest ePenis’ tend to post just a few words for each forum post, but in stark contrast have a signature that takes up 75% of the available screen, utilises many fonts, colours and features massive animated images.
- Use social networking websites, but use them dismissively. The sole purpose for you using them should be to amass friends. Anything less than 50,000 isn’t worth shouting about, and you should not actually know any of them! Your use of sites like MySpace should not in any way be used for you to communicate with people you actually know, to do so is to tow the corporate line and that’s not what the Interweb is all about – and thus reduces the size of your ePenis.MySpace is a tool to spread your legend, nothing else.
- Your online friends should outweigh your ‘real world’ friends by a ratio of at least 8-1. On the Interweb, a ‘friend’ is NOT someone you have physically met. They can be other forum users, people you have emailed or contacts on your MSN/Yahoo messenger. Knowing their real name isn’t important either, you should know them by their Usernames. For example, Specimen-17 should be used to address an online friend instead of his real name, Colin.
- Not only should you have never met at least 80% of the people on your MSN/Yahoo messenger contacts list, you should actually not be aware of who 50% of them even are. You have too many contacts to keep track of who any of them are; friends are a numbers game on the Interweb.
- Own your own name as a domain name. This one is a must; if you don’t own yourname.com or at the very least yourname.co.uk you have no business on the Interweb.
- Never go more than 12 hours without being online; even if this involves connecting wirelessly through your phone while you’re in the pub. While you’re not online, you have no presence. The more hours you spend online per day, the bigger your ePenis. Ideally you should respond to emails with 20 minutes, no matter what time of day they were sent, but be impossible to get hold of by phone.
- You create blog posts that are top ten lists in order for others to link to them!
Following these steps will help you grow your ePenis to a massive size, allowing you to perform your Internet marketing effortlessly.
Obviously increasing the size of your ePenis is a time consuming practise, which is, by its very nature, the whole point. If you have time for other things in your life then you have, by default, a small ePenis.
A Tax for the unemployed on using the Post Office
Today I went to the Post Office to change back the money I had left over from Dublin, which was a surprise that I had any at all, but I guess my liver said enough was enough at some point. Anyway, I digress. I went into the Post Office during my lunch hour only to find myself in a queue behind the usual array old people and unemployed, all dawdling along in their own sweet time.
This meant I wasted around 20 minutes of my lunch hour waiting in a queue, for people who could have gone at any point that day as they clearly had sod all else to do.
It’s annoying. So annoying fact that I propose a tax on the unemployed and retired (jobless basically) that states they can only enter a Post Office between the hours of 12 and 2 if they pay a £20 ‘jobless’ tax. This should ensure the scroungers of the world are kept out of my way during the day.
They don’t need to be in there at that time, they can do it earlier or later. Just not when I’m there.
I’d also like to see a maximum service time for Post Offices. When you’re buying stamps to post a letter to your daughter who lives in Australia (who’s clearly moved just to get away from you) you don’t need 15 minutes window time to do it. 2 minutes should suffice. Don’t stop to chat about the weather (it’s raining, obviously), don’t talk about your daughter who you never see and no one wants to hear about your cat. Just buy your stamps and get the hell out of the way.
What do you reckon? Could my £20 jobless tax for using the Post Office at lunch hours work? Prove you’re employed, pay the tax or come back later… spongers.
Add your school photo to Facebook
It’s my birthday today, and I’m 32… dammit. I’m also in Dublin, so this post was prepared earlier 😉
This is something I’ve discovered from using Facebook. I recently added one of my old School photos from Primary School, where I would have been in the 1st year, so probably around 7 years old. When I added this picture to Facebook, and having just one of the people on it on my friends list, I found that other people on the photo found it, or in some cases their friends did, and tagged them. The picture is now probably 25% tagged and increasing.
It’s proven a great way of finding people you haven’t heard from in years. Of course, I’m not actually interested in hearing from any of them, but the option is there you understand!
Right, that’s enough of that. I’m probably smashed out of my head right now, even at this early hour. If I make it back I’ll bring photos. If I don’t, it’s been an adventure.
Inside the women’s toilets
If you’re a woman and you’re fed up with long queues at the toilets, this might be the answer to your prayers. This photo was taken inside the women’s toilets at a packed hotel conference centre, and you’ll notice there’s not a soul to be seen.
No queues, no bitching, no waiting.
How you may ask? This was taken on August 2nd at the Transformers convention at Auto Assembly, in the Clarendon Suites in Birmingham. Incredibly, the women’s toilets was completely empty. So, if you’re desperate for the loo and can’t wait, just head down to your nearest Transformers convention. The ladies’ bog is empty!
If you’re wondering how I got this photo; it’s a secret!
While we were there in Birmingham we stayed in the Quality Hotel across the road from the convention centre, was cheap and chearful. It’s the same hotel a mate of mine uses when he offers CeMAP training in Birmingham, for those interested in becoming mortgage advisors.
Going to Dublin
Sorry I haven’t posted as much this month, I’ve been very busy with a lot of projects and haven’t had chance to get on here. Rest assured though, there’s still loads of things pissing me off for me to blog about, so normal service will be resumed shortly.
In fact, this Friday I’m off to Dublin for the weekend, so will no doubt have some pictures and tales about the trip when I get back.
I’ll also be visiting the Guinness factory, obviously… I can’t wait.
Carphone Warehouse manager proves what a moron he is
This week I had an email from a former Carphone Warehouse manager who wanted to swear at me and insult me, because that’s what Carphone Warehouse staff are like. His badly written comments came after a post I made about the Child Support Agency, and a post where I made a Carphone Warehouse complaint.
Let’s have a look at what he says:
on reading and listening to your phone calls i wish to make one very large point, IF YOU HAD COME TO AN AGREEMENT WITH YOUR EX WIFE TO PAY FOR YOUR CHILDREN then you would have no need for the (as you put it incompetent CSA).
OK, thanks for the comments Dan, but alas whether I had come to agreement with my ex-wife or not, the CSA would still have been involved. They get involved as soon as the parent with care signs on for benefit. If you’re going to email someone and spout off with a torrent of foul language, look up your facts first so you don’t come across like an utter prick.
I also happened to have 2 members of my family that work for the CSA and hear about scum like your self using every which way he can not to pay everyday. so what you have to pay the mortgage thats a a privalage not a right. if you cant afford it sell your house.
You have two family members who work for the CSA, and you’re proud of that? I’d sooner admit to being related to Hitler than know anyone who works at the CSA. If I can’t afford to pay my mortgage I should sell my house eh? Well my stupid friend, I could quit my job and have people who work support me, then my mortgage would be paid for me by them. Perhaps I should do that and become sponging, workshy scum?
i also happend to be a branch manager at carphone warehouse. and frankly if you and your now EX wife where to stupid to know you get a free upgrade at the end of your contract then its your own fault. and just to add to your coments of cpw, it is in know way true that we offer any sort of 14 day money back garentee. surly a man of your so called knowledge and expertese on what is right and fair is capable of making his mind up on a mobile phone handset after deliberating for over half an hour ! in store.
Ah, so you worked for Carphone Warehouse? That makes sense. Now I see why you’re so illiterate, you were a branch manager for Carphone Warehouse. I’m sorry to shatter your world but not everyone gives a toss what phone they have, or cares about ‘upgrades’ and ‘contracts’ for their mobile. I realise your little insignificant world revolves around mobile phones, so well done, you stay there and try not communicate with the rest of us as clearly your efforts to do so sound you out as a complete imbecile.
I do beleave not only are you trying to make a quick buck from posting your perthetic stories on the net that really its your incompatence that has caused you all this hassel. not only can you not keep a wife, but now you have a second marrige with a further 2 kids. maybe uf you keep it in your trousers you could afford repayments, fact is your a failure and your scared to admit it.
I have a second marriage with another two kids? When did that happen? If I were you I’d stop sniffing the glue that holds your mittens onto your sleeves and carry on staring at the wall for the rest of the day. Someone who ‘used’ to be a branch manager for Carphone Warehouse really shouldn’t throw around words like ‘failure’ when describing others.