From the Urban Dictionary: “Measure of a man’s power and stance on the Interweb.”

Your ePenis is your online reputation, how other Internet users perceive you and the respect they have for you. If you have a truly massive ePenis you are a colossus on the Internet and wield huge power and sway over other Internet users. What you say carries weight, what websites you use matters to others and what forums you belong to is a cause for much interest.

Who cares about all of this? Well for one, you should. If your online reputation is sufficiently high enough you’ll have the ability to launch a new website and instantly flood it with traffic, just because you’re the one who has created it. You’ll be able to write an article on a website and have thousands of people read it, without any effort, because your name carries that level of power.

When a new website launches, what you think about it can make or break it.

For the man (or woman, it’s not gender specific) with a huge ePenis, Internet Marketing is made all the more easier.

Here are ten tips to increasing the size of your ePenis, in no particular order:

1. Ensure that all ten results on the front page of Google are actually for you when you Google your name. To have a truly massive ePenis you must at the very least be the most dominant person on the Internet with your own name. Any threat to your online reputation from another person with your name must be stamped out.
2. Write a blog. Without your own blog you have no voice, no presence and no reputation. Naturally the software you use for your blog also reflects on the size of your ePenis. For the ultimate kudos boost you should hard code your own blog from scratch, because coders are hardcore and obviously gain huge respect from their peers for their coding skills. Failing that use the industry standard blog software WordPress. Using anything else will cause you to be mocked from afar.Also the number of subscribers to your blog is a measure of your ePenis. Use Feedburner to monitor your blog’s subscribers, and if it’s in the thousands put a badge on your blog telling everyone how popular you are.
3. Use Internet acronyms wherever possible to show your knowledge of the language. Terms such as ROFLMAO should be second nature to you. If you don’t know what it means then you have a tiny ePenis.
4. Post on forums relevant to your industry or interests and quickly amass enough posts so you are not classed as a n00b. They are newcomers to websites and should be treated with disdain by those with large ePenis’, namely you! The size of your ePenis increases in direct correlation with your post count. The more posts you make, the bigger your ePenis.Ideally you should start your own forum; then it becomes the number of members on your forum rather than your post count that reflects the size of your ePenis.It is also important to mention that the size of your forum signature should be at least 4 times larger than your average post. Those with the biggest ePenis’ tend to post just a few words for each forum post, but in stark contrast have a signature that takes up 75% of the available screen, utilises many fonts, colours and features massive animated images.
5. Use social networking websites, but use them dismissively. The sole purpose for you using them should be to amass friends. Anything less than 50,000 isn’t worth shouting about, and you should not actually know any of them! Your use of sites like MySpace should not in any way be used for you to communicate with people you actually know, to do so is to tow the corporate line and that’s not what the Interweb is all about – and thus reduces the size of your ePenis.MySpace is a tool to spread your legend, nothing else.
6. Your online friends should outweigh your ‘real world’ friends by a ratio of at least 8-1. On the Interweb, a ‘friend’ is NOT someone you have physically met. They can be other forum users, people you have emailed or contacts on your MSN/Yahoo messenger. Knowing their real name isn’t important either, you should know them by their Usernames. For example, Specimen-17 should be used to address an online friend instead of his real name, Colin.
7. Not only should you have never met at least 80% of the people on your MSN/Yahoo messenger contacts list, you should actually not be aware of who 50% of them even are. You have too many contacts to keep track of who any of them are; friends are a numbers game on the Interweb.
8. Own your own name as a domain name. This one is a must; if you don’t own yourname.com or at the very least yourname.co.uk you have no business on the Interweb.
9. Never go more than 12 hours without being online; even if this involves connecting wirelessly through your phone while you’re in the pub. While you’re not online, you have no presence. The more hours you spend online per day, the bigger your ePenis. Ideally you should respond to emails with 20 minutes, no matter what time of day they were sent, but be impossible to get hold of by phone.
10. You create blog posts that are top ten lists in order for others to link to them!

Following these steps will help you grow your ePenis to a massive size, allowing you to perform your Internet marketing effortlessly.

Obviously increasing the size of your ePenis is a time consuming practise, which is, by its very nature, the whole point. If you have time for other things in your life then you have, by default, a small ePenis.

Darren Jamieson

Darren Jamieson, aka MrDaz, is the Technical Director and co-founder of Engage Web and has been working online in a career spanning two decades. His first website was built in 1998 and is still live today.

    

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