Category Archives: Humour

Humour, Internet, Rants

Spam aimed at religious idiots

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Religious people, by their very definition, are gullible. After all, if they’re stupid enough to believe in fictional ‘gods’ then obviously they’re gullible enough to believe in any old bollocks. This makes them prime targets for scammers, particularly if you play on the ‘Jesus card’.

There’s nothing the religious like to hear more than someone else showing how much they too love Jesus, because of course another follower of their particular bogus faith will no doubt be a trustworthy sucker like themselves.

Therefore, you’ll often get scam emails sent around that bang on about Jesus and Christianity for ages in order to establish some sort of affinity with their target sucker, the religious freak. One such scam email I received recently was this:

From: Hizbeith Carlson <hizbeith_2@hotmail.com >
Subject: From Mrs Hizbeith Carlson

From Mrs Hizbeith Carlson
Sicogi-Marcory
Abidjan Cote D’ Ivoire

Dearest in Christ,

As you can see from the first line, this one’s gonna lay it on nice and thick. Any religious idiot worth their salt will be impressed with a ‘Dearest in Christ’ intro, and will read on, their heart warmed at such a message.

Greetings in the Name above all names, Jesus Christ our Lord and saviour, I am Mrs Hizbeith Carlson. I am married to Mr.Livingston Carlson who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for many years before he died in the year 2005.We were married without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian.

It gets better, this woman is a born again Christian. She must truly be worthy of knowing, and as her husband died quickly without suffering, god must have looked kindly on him, or some such shit.

Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (($3.200.000.00) Three million two hundred thousand dollar in a Bank in Ivory Coast. Presently, this money is still in bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem.

Here we go, there’s money involved. Who saw that one coming? She’s got cancer and millions of dollar US. The broken English isn’t some attempt to play on people’s sympathy mind you, it’s partly because the author doesn’t use English as a first language and partly because the target audience is too stupid to notice anyway.

The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a charity organization that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want an organization that will use this fund for orphanages, school and church, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained, Isaiah 56:7 For my house will be called a house of prayer for all nations.” The Bible made us to understand that “Blessed is the hand that giveth”.I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers.

She’s donating money to orphanages. How noble. God’s good work being carried out once again. She’s quoting the Bible, which means she must be a Christian, and she doesn’t want her money going to people who aren’t Christian. The essence of religion, anyone who doesn’t follow the same fairy story you do is clearly not worthy of your help.

We must read on.

I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that “the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace”. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank.

More Bible quotes and bullshit about the money being used for evil if you don’t take it from her. Any good Christian will be reaching for their bank details as they read this, feeling it is god’s will that they stupidly fall into this bullshit.

I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.

Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

I’m struggling to believe at this point, that even someone stupid enough to believe in god would be so stupid as to believe this horse turd. But then I guess some people must do.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply with the above information.

Remain blessed in the Lord

Yes, remain blessed in the Lord. Stupid bastards.

Take care,
In Christ’s Holy Love

Yours Sister in Christ
Mrs Hizbeith Carlson

What a sign off, in Christ’s Holy Love… your Sister in Christ.

You have got to be one dumb fuck to actually believe any of this, which as I stated is why they target the religious imbeciles who believe in god.

Be wary of spam emails like this, they’re not all this easy to spot 😉

General, Humour, Internet

The Ten Commandments; why god was rubbish at Internet Marketing

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I’m sure you’ve heard of the ten commandments (I actually had to look them up for this, but there you go). They’re the supposed rules handed down by some bloke with a beard, to another bloke with a beard who looked remarkably like Charlton Heston.

Anyway, the ten commandments aren’t particularly well optimised for SEO. You’d think a list of items made by god would be great link bait, but sadly god didn’t really put much effort into the whole thing, he didn’t read SEOchat.com and didn’t take any advice from John Chow or Shoemoney, otherwise he’d have created a wicked piece of link bait.

For example, writing the ten commandments on stone tablets and smashing them? Not particularly indexable. Google struggles with querystrings and session IDs, it’s not going to manage to index something scrawled on stone. Then, much like creating a splash page with no text, he shoves them in the ark of the covenant and shuts the lid.

Googlebot won’t get past that in a hurry.

Then of course there’s the total number of commandments, ten. Not the ideal number for a list is it? We all know the best number is seven items. Ten is too many, people get bored. Who’s going to stumble a list of ten and read them all? Nobody, that’s who. They’ll get down as far ‘no committing adultery’ and then move on, probably to a site with a funny video of a old woman falling off the roof of her house. Much more entertaining.

Also the content is a bit, well, tame. When you create a list (of 7 items, not 10), you want the content to be controversial, entertaining and funny. Honour they father and mother? Pretty forgettable stuff.

Let’s look at the original list as created by Charlton Heston.

  1. You shall have no other gods before me
  2. You shall not make for yourself an idol
  3. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God
  4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
  5. Honor your father and mother
  6. You shall not murder
  7. You shall not commit adultery
  8. You shall not steal
  9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house / You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife

Nothing there that would make me want to link it or Digg it.

Interestingly, the not committing adultery is a funny one. It classes adultery as a sexual act between a man and a woman who is married to another man. So… if the woman isn’t married, a married man can have an affair with her, in the eyes of the Christians.

Guess they were a little bit sexist back then.

Anyhow, back to the seven commandments. Let’s have a go at optimising that list for SEO purposes, and see if we can’t make it better link bait.

  1. You shall have no other gods before me, unless they’re really cool, like Eric Cantona or Paul Gascoigne – they’re OK
  2. You shall vote for your favourite idol so long as you disagree with Simon Cowell
  3. Sunday’s are for shopping in Tesco, there’s less religious tossers on a Sunday
  4. Wrongfully using the name of your god is funny, especially when swearing at ethnic minorities – but as we all know god doesn’t exist, so what the hell!
  5. Murder who you like, religion is the cause of all wars anyway so just blame god, everyone else does
  6. Adultery is fun
  7. Shag your neigbour’s wife, she’s probably gagging for it anyway. While you’re there nick the fucker’s lawnmower too, he ain’t using it

There, that’s better. An optimised list of the Seven Commandments. If only god had thought about how he’d rank in Google when he came up with the original ones.

Humour, Rants, Stolen Car

Now I’ve annoyed the Gypsies

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You may remember when my car was stolen from the Hillcroft garage in Langstone, Newport, I put up a post calling the garage ‘thieving gypsy bastards‘. It was a comical post highlighting my anger at the garage and how my car was stolen from them, with the keys, and their ‘end of year accounts’, making the whole thing look very suspicious.

Very suspicious indeed.

Well, I’ve now had a complaint for my use of the term ‘thieving gypsy bastards’, from the Thames Valley Gypsy Association. The complaint reads:

From: Joseph G. Jones [info@gypsy-association.com]
Subject: Unpleasant remark

Please remove the term “Thieving gypsy bastards” from your website, as a community we find the term offensive.

If you wish to call the garage names feel free, but please leave us out of it.

Besides which it makes you seem like a racist.

Reagrds

Joseph G. Jones
Thames Valley Gypsy Association

Joseph found my website because I rank on the first page of Google for the term ‘Thieving Gypsy Bastards’. This site tends to rank for most phrases it uses, and will no doubt rank again for the term for this particular blog post.

However, as you can see while the original post does rank for ‘thieving gypsy bastards’ it doesn’t actually have a go at gypsies at all. It’s referencing the garage and the fact that my car was stolen from there. If I were to remove the post, my site would no longer rank for the term and more, anti-gypsy posts would rank in Google in its place.

Therefor, my post being there is helping.

Plus, the term ‘thieving gypsy bastards’ doesn’t reference gypsies at all, it’s a reference to a comic strip in Viz, which is infamous and even has its own Wikipedia page. An extract from the page reads:

The comic got in trouble with the United Nations after featuring a strip called ‘The Thieving Gypsy Bastards’; unbeknownst to the Viz editorial team at the time, Gypsies are regarded as a race under UK law and thus the comic was guilty of racism. During the resultant court case, UK newspaper The Sun ran a story revealing that the principal Roma man who initiated the action against them was in fact also being tried for, and was later found guilty of, handling stolen property.

Hilarious!

Humour, Rants

Cancer against Christians

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I noticed a collection box on the bar at the pub the other night with the slogan ‘Christians against Cancer’ emblazoned on it. While I support the fight against Cancer as much as the next guy (my mum’s had it twice and two friends recently past away from it) I do feel that Christians represent a bigger threat to our World than Cancer.

After all, if caught early enough Cancer can be treated. There’s no cure for Christians unless you use lions as Emperor Nero did, and lions are hard to come by.

Therefore I’m looking to support Cancer against Christians, a new charity that is trying to eradicate Christians across the globe with the use of Cancer. People such as The Backstreet Boys, Gary Busey, Charlton Heston and MC Hammer should be wiped out as quickly and effectively as possible; people who gossip and snipe at you, yet look down on you because they go to church and you don’t. You know the sort of people, arseholes.

Join Cancer against Christians now and help Cancer put an end to Christians today.

Humour

Drink a Guinness, annoy a Christian

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It’s St Patrick’s Day today, the day where Irishmen the World over get absolutely obliterated in a celebration of all things Irish. Of course, the rest of us join in because we all love getting wasted as well. That’s a great reason to go tonight and get totally twatted, however if you need another reason to show your liver who’s boss this evening; try this one.

Religious groups are complaining that St Patrick’s Day should have been Saturday instead of today because you’re not supposed to celebrate the day of another Saint during the week of Easter as it would offend Jesus.

Jesus F*cking Christ! So I get to drink myself stupid AND annoy some Christians at the same time?

Back of the net!

Drink a Guinness, annoy a Christian… you know it makes sense.

Guinness