As someone who has supposedly used the chat up line ‘shall we do it then’ while drunk (though I personally don’t remember that) I thought this old Victoria Wood song was amusing, seeing as she sings about a woman using the line ‘Let’s do it’ – which is close. I remember watching this when I was a kid, which was a long time ago. The line ‘come and melt the buttons on me flameproof nightie’ is a classic.
Category Archives: Humour
More than one way to skin a cat, 7 in fact
I hate cats. I hate them with a burning passion. They’re selfish, pointless creatures that are not so much pets, as lodgers who turn up when they’re hungry. They have no love for their owners, only for themselves.
People who say their cat is different, their cat is affectionate are stupid. Cats have no interest in you whatsoever, save for the fact that your opposable thumbs can work the tin opener for them.
Last week a colleague came into work and said he’d ran over a cat on the weekend in his new Audi, obliterating the fat cat into his front grill. I laughed so much I think I burst my liver.
That made me think though, what are the best ways to kill a cat? Here are seven for your perusal.
- Wrap it’s kittens up in a sack and beat it to death with them
- Obliterate it in your Audi (this works, we have proof)
- Take it to Manchester airport, sneak onto the runway and launch it into the engine of a 747
- Shoot it in the face
- Tie it to a table, legs spread and on its back while a laser moves slowly towards its crotch and you’re expecting it to talk
- Give it 3 minutes in the microwave, stir, then back in for another 2 minutes… then serve
- Take a bag of kittens to the driving range, then practice your swing by pelting them a good 300 yards towards the pin with a nine iron
All great ways to kill a cat. How many have you tried? Do you have any more?
Smear Marmite on my body darling xxx
I’m sure you remember the scene from 9 1/2 weeks where Mickey Rourke does something rather interesting to Kim Basinger using some ice and the contents of the fridge? Well how about using some baked beans and Marmite?
I might give this one a try myself on the weekend!
Gypsy wins lottery, builds dream house
Pikey mulleted JP wins the lottery and commissions a £1,000,000 mansion.
Well done Jonny!
Yes it’s true, I crashed my car on Friday
Anyone who’s seen my Facebook status or has seen me in person since Friday will know that yes, on Friday night I managed to plough my car into a roundabout at something approaching 70mph.
When I say plough into, it was more hit, catch some serious air and then smack into the curb the other side. It was dark, it was very wet and I was… going too fast. I managed to blow out ALL FOUR tyres at the same time, wreck two of my alloys, damage my bumper, lose a light and dislodge some bodywork.
Probably shouldn’t have tried to take the roundabout at that speed then. To those who said my Z3 was cursed, yeah, it is.
I had three new tyres and the spare put on the next morning, but the front drivers side wheel scrapes the wheel arch when it turns full lock. This is bad. It could be because the garage have fitted the wrong tyres, which I hope is the case. It could be the bodywork is a little out of place, which would be bad. It could be because the chassis or the axle is bent, which would be very bad.
I’ll find out this weekend when I take my car for a service.
Oh the joys of driving too fast in the rain.
IT madness
Having spent time myself trying to explain simple IT related things to the uninformed (such as the wisdom of not keeping the server and work storage drives in the cleaning cupboard with the bleach while at Black Sheep) I find this video all too realistic.
You can tell some people, but they just don’t hear.
Guinness Spoof
IT Madness Video
Manchester Earthquake Appeal
An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit Greater Manchester on Wednesday morning.
Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying “bang out of order” “mental” and “sorted”. Some are still confused that something interesting actually happened in Beswick! Some residents of Middleton were woken before their ‘giros’ arrived and it caused quite a panic!
The earthquake decimated half of the Salford area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair including a cute little donkey that ‘broke wind’ when you clapped your hands.
Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and many piles of scientifically significant litter were disturbed.
One resident of Moston, Miss Kylie Davies a 15 year old mother of four said “It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly concentrate on Jeremy Kyle”.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Red Bull to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous “Elizabeth Duke” sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.
How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Hollands pies and Iceland pizza. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew.
Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a ‘signing-on’ biro, £2.50 buys a pie and chips, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal ciggies from the back of Tomo’s lorry. Your help is appreciated.
Cyclists complain about poor cycle lanes
It seems that cyclists in the UK are complaining about poor quality cycle lanes, so much so that MPs are to be given a book showing how poor some cycle lanes are in Greater Manchester.
Cyclists complain that lanes end without warning, are full of obstacles and sometimes just send the unwitting cyclist straight out into the oncoming traffic. Well, surely that’s the idea? We want to get rid of the annoying tossers. I’m sick and bloody tired of getting stuck behind some wavering cyclist swaying from side to side in the road, with a string of cars piled up behind him. They’re a sodding nuisance.
Then, when the traffic stops because of lights the bastard cyclist mounts the curb and cycles merrily off on his way. Why didn’t he do that to begin with? Then I wouldn’t be stuck at the frickin’ lights anyway!
As you can tell I hate cyclists. If cycle lanes in the UK are dangerous for them then good, that’s the way they should be.