Category Archives: Internet

Internet, Rants

Facebook backlash over redesign, millions of chavs set to fuck off back to MySpace

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Regular users of Facebook will have noticed that the website introduced a new design a few months ago, but gave the option to revert back to the old one. Naturally, as many people dislike, and in many cases, fear change, quite a few people did revert back to the old one.

However, the new design is now compulsory, and it’s caused those people who prefer the old one to complain. There have been Facebook groups, complaints and even threats of leaving the website, all from these people who dislike the new design.

Now, I can’t keep calling them ‘these people’… I’ll need something more descriptive, more accurate. I know, tossholes.

Tossholes such as these:

“This layout is garbage,” writes Andrew Wadup. “Why fix what ain’t broken? Keep the old version,” pleads Eddie Santos.

Those were comments left on the notice board on the site.

Facebook meanwhile stated about their new design:

We set out to make Facebook simpler, cleaner, more relevant, and easier to control. With your feedback and participation, we believe we’ve gotten to the best Facebook yet.

The new design is different, and we understand that some people will be uncomfortable with the changes. But over time, we think people will appreciate the advantages of the new design and the new features it offers.

You see, Facebook redesigned to stop all of the crap that idiots add to their profile pages appearing whenever you click on their profile. I for one was fed up of clicking on the profile of someone who came from MySpace (you know the sort of person I mean) and they had twenty million applications added to their page, which meant the page took eight years to load. Shit like the vampires app, the pirates app, the superwall, funwall, superpoke and other such crap that idiots felt they needed to add. All of it garbage.

Well, the new Facebook hides that shit away in tabs, so the MySpace crowd can be as dumb as they like and add as much shit as they like without bothering the rest of us. Now the MySpace crowd are complaining, and are even threatening to leave Facebook.

Good, fuck off back to MySpace you chav scum shitbags, take your shitty applications with you.

This is what happens you when let anyone join, I say keep Facebook elite and demand at least a university degree before people sign up.

Complaints, Internet

BD Recruitment send email ccing every SEO in the North West

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Anyone who sends bulk emails to customers knows the importance of the ‘BCC’ field. It means Blind Carbon Copy, when you use it, everyone who receives the email doesn’t see everyone else’s email address. However, occasionally, you get idiots who send emails in bulk, and forget to use the BCC field, or in some cases don’t even know what it means.

One such idiot was Sandra Wong of BD Recruitment, who last week emailed every SEO in the North West area touting for people looking for a job, and visibly cc’d everyone in. So, we could all see which companies they emailed, who they emailed and, in the case of this particular peice of spam, the replies from the not so happy recipients.

Sandra Wong, from BD Recruitment, sent the following spam email to me, and many others:

Hi

I’m just checking to see if you are looking for a new career opportunity at the moment.

If you’re not, and know of anybody with a similar skill set to yourself then please refer them to me because if they secure a position through us we will give you a £15 HMV voucher.

This offer will be running until the end of this year so please save this message in your email account because for example if you recommend just 3 friends who all secure positions with us that’s £45 of vouchers for yourself, the more you recommend the more likely they will secure positions and the more vouchers you will get as a result.

I deal with online marketing but if you know of anybody in the technical department i.e. web developers or creative i.e. web designers. Any referrals who secure jobs with these departments also guarantees you £15 worth of HMV vouchers per candidate placed.

I look forward to your reply.

Sandra Wong
Specialist Online Marketing Recruitment Consultant
BD Recruitment Ltd

Consequently, dozens of people replied and slated Sandra Wong for her error, and demanded that they be removed from BD Recruitment’s database. Myself included. I imagine that BD Recruitment made a lot of enemies because of this, and lost an awful lot of potential clients.

That is of course, IF they removed the people who requested it. I wouldn’t be surprised to see an email from BD Recruitment again soon, as anyone stupid enough to CC in their entire mailing list also would have the bad taste to email everyone again when they think the heat has died down.

Internet

Idiots on Facebook

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I have to confess, I quite like Facebook. It’s devoid of the level of morons that MySpace is infected with, but there are still the odd few. For example, how many of you have received messages from ‘friends’ on Facebook along the lines of this one?

Facebook is going to clear facebook accounts if ..

We all know that Facebook is an extraordinary social network where you can talk to friends, find old friends, and so much more.

The Facebook team is well aware that Facebook is getting too over populated due to the fact registrations have increased 50% since February 15 2008. At there signing in database, it shows that more than a quarter of the members of Facebook hasn’t log in their accounts in over a month.

So where is this leading to you may ask. Facebook is clearing their entire data base and deleting users of who have not sent this message to their friends. If you are one of the following people, you will get your user account wiped and would have to re add all your friends. So send this message to as many of your friends as you can, I know you don’t want to start all over from scratch so send away, show your pride for members Facebook!

– Irin rayiz

Now, just how stupid have you got to be to forward that? There are also groups along similar themes, and the MySpace crowd who are new to Facebook always seem to be the ones who join them.

If you get sent a message like that on Facebook, don’t forward it, delete it. I certainly don’t want to be sent it!

Google, Internet, Just Search, SEO

How to become an authority website in Google

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Ever wondered how to become an authority website in Google? No? Ah, I was kinda counting on you actually wondering that. Oh well, I’ll tell you anyway. I did an Interview for .Net magazine a while ago on the subject, and the whole article has just been published in full on Net Imperative.

The article starts off with the intro:

Natural SEO isn’t just about editing tags on your website, inserting some well chosen keyphrases and building up links. The most successful websites on the Internet, the ones Google consider authorities in their fields, all have similar things in common. Many of them don’t even use conventional SEO practises, yet they rank above seemingly better optimised websites for relevant searches.

Then it proceeds to tell you just how to do it, in five simple steps. Have a read and see what you think; it works too 😉

Humour, Internet, SEO

How to increase the size of your ePenis

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From the Urban Dictionary: “Measure of a man’s power and stance on the Interweb.”

Your ePenis is your online reputation, how other Internet users perceive you and the respect they have for you. If you have a truly massive ePenis you are a colossus on the Internet and wield huge power and sway over other Internet users. What you say carries weight, what websites you use matters to others and what forums you belong to is a cause for much interest.

Who cares about all of this? Well for one, you should. If your online reputation is sufficiently high enough you’ll have the ability to launch a new website and instantly flood it with traffic, just because you’re the one who has created it. You’ll be able to write an article on a website and have thousands of people read it, without any effort, because your name carries that level of power.

When a new website launches, what you think about it can make or break it.

For the man (or woman, it’s not gender specific) with a huge ePenis, Internet Marketing is made all the more easier.

Here are ten tips to increasing the size of your ePenis, in no particular order:

  1. Ensure that all ten results on the front page of Google are actually for you when you Google your name. To have a truly massive ePenis you must at the very least be the most dominant person on the Internet with your own name. Any threat to your online reputation from another person with your name must be stamped out.
  2. Write a blog. Without your own blog you have no voice, no presence and no reputation. Naturally the software you use for your blog also reflects on the size of your ePenis. For the ultimate kudos boost you should hard code your own blog from scratch, because coders are hardcore and obviously gain huge respect from their peers for their coding skills. Failing that use the industry standard blog software WordPress. Using anything else will cause you to be mocked from afar.Also the number of subscribers to your blog is a measure of your ePenis. Use Feedburner to monitor your blog’s subscribers, and if it’s in the thousands put a badge on your blog telling everyone how popular you are.
  3. Use Internet acronyms wherever possible to show your knowledge of the language. Terms such as ROFLMAO should be second nature to you. If you don’t know what it means then you have a tiny ePenis.
  4. Post on forums relevant to your industry or interests and quickly amass enough posts so you are not classed as a n00b. They are newcomers to websites and should be treated with disdain by those with large ePenis’, namely you! The size of your ePenis increases in direct correlation with your post count. The more posts you make, the bigger your ePenis.Ideally you should start your own forum; then it becomes the number of members on your forum rather than your post count that reflects the size of your ePenis.It is also important to mention that the size of your forum signature should be at least 4 times larger than your average post. Those with the biggest ePenis’ tend to post just a few words for each forum post, but in stark contrast have a signature that takes up 75% of the available screen, utilises many fonts, colours and features massive animated images.
  5. Use social networking websites, but use them dismissively. The sole purpose for you using them should be to amass friends. Anything less than 50,000 isn’t worth shouting about, and you should not actually know any of them! Your use of sites like MySpace should not in any way be used for you to communicate with people you actually know, to do so is to tow the corporate line and that’s not what the Interweb is all about – and thus reduces the size of your ePenis.MySpace is a tool to spread your legend, nothing else.
  6. Your online friends should outweigh your ‘real world’ friends by a ratio of at least 8-1. On the Interweb, a ‘friend’ is NOT someone you have physically met. They can be other forum users, people you have emailed or contacts on your MSN/Yahoo messenger. Knowing their real name isn’t important either, you should know them by their Usernames. For example, Specimen-17 should be used to address an online friend instead of his real name, Colin.
  7. Not only should you have never met at least 80% of the people on your MSN/Yahoo messenger contacts list, you should actually not be aware of who 50% of them even are. You have too many contacts to keep track of who any of them are; friends are a numbers game on the Interweb.
  8. Own your own name as a domain name. This one is a must; if you don’t own yourname.com or at the very least yourname.co.uk you have no business on the Interweb.
  9. Never go more than 12 hours without being online; even if this involves connecting wirelessly through your phone while you’re in the pub. While you’re not online, you have no presence. The more hours you spend online per day, the bigger your ePenis. Ideally you should respond to emails with 20 minutes, no matter what time of day they were sent, but be impossible to get hold of by phone.
  10. You create blog posts that are top ten lists in order for others to link to them!

Following these steps will help you grow your ePenis to a massive size, allowing you to perform your Internet marketing effortlessly.

Obviously increasing the size of your ePenis is a time consuming practise, which is, by its very nature, the whole point. If you have time for other things in your life then you have, by default, a small ePenis.

Internet

Chav website wins award according to www.justsearching.co.uk

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According to news posted on www.justsearching.co.uk, the Chav website SavvyChavvy has won an award for the way it helps communities stay in touch.

According to them, Chavvy comes from the old Romany word, meaning Youth. The website isn’t for chavs though, it’s for gypsies, or travellers.

I always thought chav was from the phrase ‘Chelmsford Average’, meaning scum. You learn something new everyday.

The article also talks about an award for a virtual nightclub in second life, for disabled people. I’m not even going to comment on that one!

Internet

Website hacked

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I had a text today, and several emails and facebook messages, about one of my sites being hacked by this guy.

Now, normally you’d expect me to rant and rave about this and threaten violence, but as it turns out it was a pretty harmless hack, he’d just created a meta refresh to his hacker page to show what he’d done, as hackers of that type do. It’s like graffiti, they ‘tag’ your website. Now I’ve had hacks on other sites before that are a lot more harmful than that, so I kinda relieved when I’d logged on, saw what he’d done and how he’d done it.

This led me to thinking about the kinds of hackers there are out there, and how some, like thieves if you will, are honourable and trustworthy, whereas others are just destructive tossholes.

It’s nice to be hacked by someone with a sense of decency for a change.

Damn I sound weird today, don’t worry normal service will be returned soon and I’ll be laying into people like old times.

Internet

Mr Daz receives an email from his past

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This is so cool. I just received an email from myself, from 2 years ago, through the website www.futureme.org. I wrote an email to myself when I was going through divorce, and set it for two years later. Now it’s arrived, and shocked the hell out of me.

Here it is, for your reading pleasure.

From: FutureMe.org [mailto:mailer@futureme.org]
Sent: 12 July 2008 17:01
To: ***********
Subject: Daz, it’s Daz!

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Wednesday, July 12, 2006, and sent via FutureMe.org
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Dear FutureMe,

As I write this you’re getting divorced and fighting a war with Don Murphy. Hopefully by now you will have defeated Don, have an ex-wife and will have conquered many, many women. I trust you haven’t been foolish and gone and gotten married again, or got back with Hayley – cos that would have been a big mistake.

I trust you are now at the peek of physical fitness after spending the last two years in the Gym, and are of course well on your way to being a millionaire. You should be raking it in from numerous websites, be a porn baron and have at least two extra properties that you rent out.

If you’re a lonely miserable wreck, then snap the fuck right out of it knob end. Go out, get fucked and fucked up.

If you’re a millionaire already, well done dude… and can you lend me a tenner?

Daz
About to shag Amanda… did I? You’ll know.

Wow, a kick in the ass from myself. Just what I needed. Have I succeeded with those points? Well, I am renting one property out (and looking to buy another, though the CSA are stopping that one). I’m not quite at the peek of physical fitness, and I’m not a millionaire (by some way).

I haven’t conquered many, many women either, but that’s a good thing. I’ve had some great girlfriends since getting divorced though, so I’m definitely better off there.

I am pleased to say that I haven’t gotten married again, which is good (for now) and I’m certainly not likely to get back with my ex-wife.

As for the sign off comment, no, I didn’t… despite the rumours to the contrary.