Tesco Manager is a Goblin

You may remember a previous rant about Tesco Express some months ago in Cardiff Bay, where the lazy bastards wanted me to use the self service till as they were too busy picking their noses.

Well, it seems Tesco in Wythenshawe is just as bad, if not worse. I popped into the Tesco Extra on Sunday night at 10:55pm, as they close at 11:00pm only to find the doors already shut. The security guard inside opened them for us, much to the dismay of the manager. When I say manager, he looked more like a goblin from a Tolkien tale and he had the people skills of one too.

He urkled over to us and muttered “Proceed to the till, we’re closing” to which I replied “You close at 11 yeah?”.

All he uttered back was “Proceed to the till, we’re closing”… hmm, clearly a great conversationalist. I tried again, hoping to engage the guy in some inter human banter. “But you don’t close ’til 11?”… his reply? Yes, you guessed it: “Proceed to the till, we’re closing”.

I’m not joking. It’s as if the guy only knew one phrase in English, yet he was Mancunian. He has to be the worst person in the world to be dealing with the public.

Twat.

Woman rips off boyfriend’s testicle

I’m not sure if I should be overly worried about this, but this story from the BBC from 2005 was sent to me just now by my girlfriend.

I will be cautious in future.

Basically, a woman ripped off her ex-boyfriend’s testicle, tried to eat it, then spat it back at him. Nasty eh?

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and “pulled hard”.

He added: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.”

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones’s testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones.

You can read the full story here.

I’m shit at squash

It’s true, I’ve now lost something like 10 games on the bounce to a guy who’s always pissed and is about as fit as a drunk student. Yet he beats me. Every time. With ease.

The last game was 15-0! Plus Paul had a sprained ankle. What the hell is wrong in the world?

Anyway, the photos tell it all. You can clearly see my racket is bent, which is why the ball keeps slipping through the strings.

Glad to leave Wythenshawe

We’ve found a flat, and are hoping to move in the next few weeks to Didsbury, which is great because Wythenshawe is quite a rough place, to say the least.

A few weeks ago I went to the local alcohol retailer (might have been something like Bargain Booze) where I was looking for a bottle of red wine. I saw behind the axe proof glass some Wolf Blass Cabernet Sauvignon and enquired in my most cultered voice:

“Excuse me, I can see you have Wolf Blass Cabernet Sauvignon but do you happen have the Merlot?”

The rather large woman behind the counter said:

“Only what’s on the shelf luv”

Fine I thought, I’ll have that. Then some Manc came in behind me and once I’d been served said in the most Liam Gallacher of voices:

“Y’alrite, giss us 4 can o’ fuckin’ stella”

Hmmm, clearly I’m in the wrong place.

First podcast online now!

My first podcast is now online, and you can subscribe to all of my podcasts through Feedburner.

This first Podcast was a phonecall I made to Royal Sun Alliance on Thursday as I tried to find out why they haven’t replied to me, or fixed my car after over 11 months!

They promissed to phone me back the next day between 12:00 and 13:00 when I was on lunch, guess what? That’s right, they didn’t.

I did get a message later in the afternoon apolgising for not phoning me back, and asked me to call them again.

I don’t think so, letter to follow.

Anyway, download the podcast now.

Comedy Domain Names

Sometimes when you register a domain name the fact that the letters are all together can lead some unintentional, and humourous words. For example, domains like The Pen Is Mightier can become The Penis Mightier: thepenismightier.com.

Gas Heating.co.uk was something the owners really should have thought about, as GashEating.co.uk is the way it looks.

More domains like this can be found here.

Google clamps down on buying links

Google’s foremost blog merchant Matt Cutts announced a while back that Google would be clamping down on sites that buy and sell links in order to boost their Page Rank. The SEO community was divided on the boast, with critics claiming Google could never tell if a link was paid for.

Well, Google has today added a section to their webmaster tools where you can report sites that buy and sell links.

That could prove interesting, with webmasters all stabbing one another in the back.