I hate cats. I hate them with a burning passion. They’re selfish, pointless creatures that are not so much pets, as lodgers who turn up when they’re hungry. They have no love for their owners, only for themselves.

People who say their cat is different, their cat is affectionate are stupid. Cats have no interest in you whatsoever, save for the fact that your opposable thumbs can work the tin opener for them.

Last week a colleague came into work and said he’d ran over a cat on the weekend in his new Audi, obliterating the fat cat into his front grill. I laughed so much I think I burst my liver.

That made me think though, what are the best ways to kill a cat? Here are seven for your perusal.

1. Wrap it’s kittens up in a sack and beat it to death with them
2. Obliterate it in your Audi (this works, we have proof)
3. Take it to Manchester airport, sneak onto the runway and launch it into the engine of a 747
4. Shoot it in the face
5. Tie it to a table, legs spread and on its back while a laser moves slowly towards its crotch and you’re expecting it to talk
6. Give it 3 minutes in the microwave, stir, then back in for another 2 minutes… then serve
7. Take a bag of kittens to the driving range, then practice your swing by pelting them a good 300 yards towards the pin with a nine iron

All great ways to kill a cat. How many have you tried? Do you have any more?

Darren Jamieson

Darren Jamieson, aka MrDaz, is the Technical Director and co-founder of Engage Web and has been working online in a career spanning two decades. His first website was built in 1998 and is still live today.

    

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