I’d like to start an online appeal to raise some money for the good people at radio 1 so that they can hire out more than five fucking CDs at a time from Blockbusters. This way they won’t have to keep playing the same five fucking singles every fucking day, throughout the day.

I don’t wish to hear ‘I get all the girls’ (from a guy who clearly has never had a girl) more than six times in a working day. Then the following week Radio 1 take some of their CDs back to Blockbusters for new ones, and we never hear the old ones again.

I guess this is what is meant by disposable music, but if Radio 1 had the funds, and I believe just 10 pounds per week would be enough; they could play more than five singles each day.

Yes, it’s fucking irritating.

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Some people really dislike OJ Simpson and believe he’s guilty of murdering his wife, and has proved that if you have enough money you can get away with anything.

I take the other angle to whole thing and say well done OJ, not only have you murdered your wife, you’ve bloody profited from it. I haven’t even killed mine and I’m suffering.

OJ even wrote a book about ‘if’ he’d murdered the bitch, this is how he’d have done it. They saw sense and pulled the book at the last minute, but you can still download it if you know where to look.

I just might have a read, to see how it can be done, in theory of course.

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Doctor Eugene Van Bommel, founder of the Tourettes with a Trouble (TWAT) society admitted today what many had believed for years: Tourettes isn’t a real disease at all; it is in fact one long prank started on the Internet.

Tourettes has a reported 27,000 ‘sufferers’ worldwide, all of whom it has been revealed are in on this elaborate hoax. Doctor Van Bommel commented:

“When we started this joke we didn’t think anyone would take it seriously, I mean, it’s absurd to think that some people have to shout foul and abusive language at inopportune moments and cannot control themselves. Yet when we started shouting ‘cock sucking whore’ in mass at our local church, we received compassion rather than mistrust. It just snowballed from there. It seemed no matter how disgusting our outbursts people still believed we’re suffering some affliction”

‘Cock sucking Whore’ is just one such phrase that tourettes sufferers have been shouting in public over the years, ‘twat’, ‘shit’ and ‘fuck’ are also favourite words of these jokesters.

It is believed that the hoax has taken in millions of people worldwide, with many charities even being set up to help these pranksters. All of the monies collected by these charities have apparently been held in a fund to be repaid in full to the generous but gullible donors. If you’ve given money to a tourettes charity over the years, you’ll be getting a phone call soon with details on how you can reclaim your money; assuming of course you’re not too embarrassed by your gullible nature!

With this news coming to light today we speculate on what other diseases might actually be elaborate hoaxes perpetrated on the Internet. OCD, Blindness and Aids are the bookies favourites to be exposed as hoaxes within the next month.

If you were one of the tourettes hoaxers we’d love to hear from you on what crazy, outrageous things you got away with over the years. Contact us and tell us today!

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I’m not sure if I should be overly worried about this, but this story from the BBC from 2005 was sent to me just now by my girlfriend.

I will be cautious in future.

Basically, a woman ripped off her ex-boyfriend’s testicle, tried to eat it, then spat it back at him. Nasty eh?

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and “pulled hard”.

He added: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.”

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones’s testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones.

You can read the full story here.

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It’s true, I’ve now lost something like 10 games on the bounce to a guy who’s always pissed and is about as fit as a drunk student. Yet he beats me. Every time. With ease.

The last game was 15-0! Plus Paul had a sprained ankle. What the hell is wrong in the world?

[Show as slideshow]

Anyway, the photos tell it all. You can clearly see my racket is bent, which is why the ball keeps slipping through the strings.

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We’ve found a flat, and are hoping to move in the next few weeks to Didsbury, which is great because Wythenshawe is quite a rough place, to say the least.

A few weeks ago I went to the local alcohol retailer (might have been something like Bargain Booze) where I was looking for a bottle of red wine. I saw behind the axe proof glass some Wolf Blass Cabernet Sauvignon and enquired in my most cultered voice:

“Excuse me, I can see you have Wolf Blass Cabernet Sauvignon but do you happen have the Merlot?”

The rather large woman behind the counter said:

“Only what’s on the shelf luv”

Fine I thought, I’ll have that. Then some Manc came in behind me and once I’d been served said in the most Liam Gallacher of voices:

“Y’alrite, giss us 4 can o’ fuckin’ stella”

Hmmm, clearly I’m in the wrong place.

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