Why are Manchester United fans so stupid?

Last night I went to the local pub to watch the Champions League final between Man UTD and Chelski. The problem with this is, I live in Manchester and I’m a Liverpool fan; so naturally I was supporting Chelski. So there I was, surrounded by nouveaux Man UTD fans, listening to their stupid, moronic chants.

First off, the imbeciles were singing ‘Rooney, Rooney, Rooney’… which I naturally thought was ‘Munich, Munich, Munich’ – to which I was reliably informed not to sing as it wouldn’t have gone down well. No, they were chanting for Wayne Rooney, their Liverpudlian striker. This was promptly followed by a song about burning scousers on a bonfire, despite the only scouser actually playing in the game, playing for them. The aforementioned Wayne Rooney.

Dumb fuckers.

They then went on an anti-City chant, singing about how Man City should, and I quote ‘Fuck off home’. This was sung to the tune of ‘nick-nack-paddy-whack’, a cockney song… hmm, a bunch of United fans singing a cockney song while watching their team playing against a London club. I actually pointed this out to the room in my usual subtle style, shouting why are you dumb bastards singing a fucking cockney song? They didn’t really have an answer.

Then, when United scored through Ronaldo, the tossers became quite obnoxious. Luckily, it wasn’t long before Frank Lampard equalised, prompting the whole pub to go quiet… save for me. I was jumping up in the air cheering. The caused quite a stir, and some guy in his late 50s, in a Man UTD shirt obviously (actually, it was a ‘Manchester’ t-shirt, maybe he couldn’t afford a football shirt) came up to me and said I was a ‘marked man’. If I didn’t leave the pub I’d be dead by the end of the game.

I did ask him as politely as I could ‘How old are you?’, to which he replied ‘It doesn’t fuckin’ matter, you’re a dead man’.

Petrified, I ordered another round of Guinness. The woman next to me at the bar was pissing herself, and asked why the old man wanted to kill me just because I was a Chelsea fan in Manchester. I corrected her that, firstly, I’m a Liverpool supporter, and secondly, we’re in Stockport. Another fact that seemed completely alien to the ‘Manchester United’ fans.

Sadly the game ended with Terry and Anelka missing the decisive kicks, prompting some annoying celebrations from the pub. One kid, who must have been around 19, went round people hugging them. He came to me with his arms outstretched and, before he got to me, said ‘are you a United fan?’ as he approached. I said quite abruptly, ‘no’, and pushed him away.

He wasn’t happy. For some reason he wanted to ‘kick my head in’. Naturally he didn’t, being a typical United fan. Just like the old guy who said I was a ‘marked man’.

What’s worse is now all of the closet fans will be out, sporting their shirts that haven’t seen the light of day since about this time last year when United last won the Premiership.

It’s all summed up I guess by Sky Sports News yesterday morning when they interviewed some United fans in Red Square in Moscow. They had their Man U shirts on and a large Man U banner. ‘So where are you from?’ asked the presenter… ‘Essex’ said the glory hunting twat with a grin.

The roads around Manchester airport were very busy this morning, probably due to all the Man UTD fans fucking off back to London.

In fact I work with a guy who would make the perfect Man U fan; he doesn’t live in Manchester and he knows fuck all about football.

Darren Jamieson, aka MrDaz, is the Technical Director and co-founder of Engage Web and has been working online in a career spanning two decades. His first website was built in 1998 and is still live today.

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10 thoughts on “Why are Manchester United fans so stupid?”

  1. i hate united fans i am city fans i wish liverpool we ll win the prem and champions league its annoying them braging on about wining all the time and us getting the pissed took out of us

  2. you know where the hate comes from…it comes from jealousy…and you know where the jealousy comes from..well it comes from the feeling that we can’t do things like others do…so, keep dreaming you deluded LOSERPOOL FANS…

    FUCK U

  3. Lae togar u are so fitting to be a Man U fans. this is just the typical closed minded man u fans. I think overall Man U is one of the best team in the world except the part the fans are one of the worst.L2GrowUp

  4. Hey Afzal Bhatti (man utd wallpaper) – a Man UTD fan that can use a computer, that’s rare! Also trying to plug your own website with some anchor text – that won’t work pal.

    You’re right long live Rafa, 3 wins on the spin against Merchandise United, Rafa clearly knows not what he is doing?

    What part of the world are you from then? Could be anywhere, being a United fan.

  5. I’ve only just read this article… And well… You seem to be commenting on football fans everywhere… Each club has fans, those fans sing, and those fans all sing songs originating from other areas, but with the lyrics changed to fit. I’m a Man Utd fan, and have been for 27 years now. I know some of our fans can be moronic, but so can the fans of Chelsea, Man City, Arsenal, and oh, lo-and-behold, the worst behaviour I have ever seen in person is that of a bunch of Liverpool fans during the Carling Cup final many years ago. I was watching the game in a pub in Cardiff, just down the road from the stadium, and a bunch of loud mouthed, rude and inconsiderate Liverpool fans were in there. Just because Liverpool went on to lose, they decided to trash the pub. They threw chairs across the room, bashed in the tables and smashed bottles all over the floor. They even ended up fighting EACH OTHER. Liverpool fans fighting their fellow Liverpool fans. Hmm, how clever. So don’t make out like it’s just Utd fans who can be like that. Pot calling the kettle black comes to mind. You’d be hard pressed to find any team that has a complete set of well-behaved, polite fans. Or indeed a set of fans that don’t sing songs from other areas of the country, with twists to the lyrics. All I see from your article is that you have a hatred for Utd fans. Well, yeah, naturally you do, you’re a Liverpool supporter. We hate Liverpool fans, it’s all natural. Doesn’t mean I actually hate you all, just that you’re our rivals of course. Looks like we really do hit a raw nerve with you!

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