Seven things I would ban if I became Prime Minister

If I became Prime Minister (or if I at least had some hold over the current PM) here are seven things I’d ban in the UK.

  1. Bus lanes
    We don’t need bus lanes; they cause congestion and result in buses pulling out on you without warning. Why do the poor need to get to where they’re going before me? Come to think of it, we don’t need buses.
  2. Disabled drivers
    By their very description, they are disabled. Not able to do something; as in, drive! Disabled drivers are a menace to other road users. They have slower reflexes and can’t park. They should all be banned.
  3. Cyclists
    I don’t care how many Olympic gold medals we won, it’s not worth having to put up with cyclists on the roads of Britain. They get in the way, slow down the traffic and for what? So some git can win BBC Sports Personality of the Year? Bloody useless.
  4. CSA
    These money grabbing Nazis have never been needed in the UK. They steal money from parents, and keep most of it for themselves. They even steal money from parents when the parents have an agreement to pay between themselves. The CSA don’t care. They’re answerable to no one and have the power to dip their sticky, thieving, fingers directly into your pay before you get it.
  5. People who drink soft drinks in pubs
    These people are scum. They take up valuable space at the bar; space needed for us real drinkers, just to order their mineral water or their lemonade. It shouldn’t be allowed, it’s not big and it’s not clever. The only reason you should be allowed to drink soft drinks in a pub is if you’re so utterly wasted that you can’t physically get any more alcohol in your body without dying.
  6. France
    Enough said, what’s the point of it?
  7. Estate Agents
    They’re lazy, money grabbing bastards who do sod all for a percentage of your sale. Luckily, I shouldn’t have to ban them as the economy is seeing to it for me. They’re all going out of business and are desperate for a lead. Good.

Darren Jamieson, aka MrDaz, is the Technical Director and co-founder of Engage Web and has been working online in a career spanning two decades. His first website was built in 1998 and is still live today.

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6 thoughts on “Seven things I would ban if I became Prime Minister”

  1. I find it mildly ironic that you mention the word ‘Nazi’ in an otherwise xenophobic and biggoted rant. People like you deserve all the bitterness you appear to be burdened with.

    Very sad.

  2. No, I’m not an American, although I do know a few. Nice people who could no doubt teach you a few things about complaining and getting results, judging by the contents of this site they could anyway. And the concept of satire is far from lost on me, Chris Morris you ain’t! In this instance, the only stupidity and folly you seek to expose is that of your own. Knowingly, or not. Don’t mock the disabled.

    Also, if you are going to respond to a post, don’t do it in such a way that makes it appear that you have the vast approval of everyone else who reads this website. That’s just plain arrogant, as well as grossly delusional.

    Enjoy 2009, see ‘ya’ll…

  3. Ah, you’re from Liverpool. So the disabled are a taboo subject for comedy are they? Any other subjects we should tread carefully around?

    As soon as we start creating taboos in comedy we may as well accept that freedom to satirise is dead, not as if Chris Morris ever mocked the disabled!

    As for thinking I have approval from my readers, if you’d read some of the more contentious posts (this one’s practically PC in comparison) you’d know the reason this site exists, it ain’t to please you. Far from it.

    By all means come back at me, I welcome your thoughts.

  4. you say that people who only drink soft drinks should be banned from pubs…………… So what about the people who want to socialise with friends and are the designated driver? Surely it’s bad enough having to stay sober just to ensure everyone gets home safely, without small minded people like you wanting to rid the pubs of them!! Yeah your comments are quite funny but that one was incredibly stupid!! Are you promoting that we drink and drive?? or have you just not thought it through! Not all people can afford taxis!

  5. Designated drivers? Those are exactly the people I’m talking about. They get in the way at the bar and look ‘judgingly’ at you when you’re pissed up.

    Yes they should be banned from pubs, that was kind of my point.

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