Manchester Earthquake Appeal

An Earthquake measuring 5.2 on the Richter scale hit Greater Manchester on Wednesday morning.

Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying “bang out of order” “mental” and “sorted”. Some are still confused that something interesting actually happened in Beswick! Some residents of Middleton were woken before their ‘giros’ arrived and it caused quite a panic!

The earthquake decimated half of the Salford area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyl and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair including a cute little donkey that ‘broke wind’ when you clapped your hands.

Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and many piles of scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

One resident of Moston, Miss Kylie Davies a 15 year old mother of four said “It was such a shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly concentrate on Jeremy Kyle”.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Red Bull to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous “Elizabeth Duke” sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.

How can you help?

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch, Hollands pies and Iceland pizza. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew.

Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a ‘signing-on’ biro, £2.50 buys a pie and chips, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal ciggies from the back of Tomo’s lorry. Your help is appreciated.

Darren Jamieson, aka MrDaz, is the Technical Director and co-founder of Engage Web and has been working online in a career spanning two decades. His first website was built in 1998 and is still live today.

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5 thoughts on “Manchester Earthquake Appeal”

  1. And in other news, the earthquake severely shook Barnsley Town Centre, causing massive fires & about £100,000 of improvements.

    That guy that got his pelvis broken lived about 1/2 a mile away from me, I’ve now GOT to be officially the only person to sleep through it…

  2. This had me in stitches. Have you ever thought of a career change into journalism? Don’t worry Steev I slept through it too, you are not the only one. I can now officially say; “I could sleep through an earthquake!” Seriously though, excellent writing. 🙂

  3. Glad you liked it Catherine, though you would sleep through it… it didn’t hit the North West of France. Or are we back in Mellor now?

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