My girlfriend ordered me something from the States back in December, and she was told it had to be delivered by FedEx.

Fine, she thought, never had anything from them before, but they’ve got a fantastic reputation, right…RIGHT?

Anyway, she received an email confirming that a delivery would be made on a particular date. She then arranged a day’s holiday so she could sit at home, all day, and wait for the parcel.

Which didn’t turn up. Instead, she got an email from FedEx saying that they had been at her place, at 9:30 in the morning and could get no answer.

Now, this was a LIE. She was up, and waiting for them. There was no ratatat-tat. There was no ding-dong. Was there a “we missed you” card? No there fucking wasn’t. In other words, they were never there.

I phoned up and had a go at them and they apologised (but said they owe us nothing for the day’s fucking earnings my GF spent sat around her place – tossers), and I told them specifically not to post it out again. We would collect it or have to arrange another convenient date later when we had one. She couldn’t just take another day off work like that.

Guess what the retards did next? Sent it out the very next day. A day on which I had motherfucking explained to them that my GF would be at work.

Then she had another email. “Please confirm your postcode – your address does not exist” was the gist of it.

Excuse me?

Do you know how it feels to be told the property you are in at that very moment is not real? Is my girlfriend living in a house that exists only in her mind? You fucking bell-ends.

This estate she lives on has been there 3 years. The Royal Mail can find it. It’s on a TomTom. The pizza boy can find it.

All you do is find people, FedEx , THAT IS ALL YOU DO. That is WHAT YOU ARE FOR. It’s called a PURPOSE. Do you see?

Besides…hadn’t you been in my girlfriend’s “Fantasy Kingdom” the day before? If you’re going to lie (and clearly, you are), get your fucking story straight. You can’t even do that with competence.

I again phoned them up, and spoke to a second senior “Customer Services Manager” (sorry hard to type that with a straight face) who told me they would sort the delivery out, refund the postage cost to the supplier AND send my girlfriend a “mystery gift”. Wow! Someone has finally sorted this out, I thought.

I also insisted they explain the previous cock ups. WHO lied about having been there? Would that person be punished? How did a situation come about that they were tripping over their own lies to cover up their own imbecilic lack of ability to do their jobs? I wanted answers. I was promised they would investigate.

A week later (after successfully – finally – receiving the item they had for us) I rang them again. Did they have answers for me? Why was there no gift yet? Why was the company she ordered from saying that there had been no refund? I was thinking, did that scheming bitch lie to me just to get me off the phone?

I was told that no the refund had not yet been processed but that it was definitely going to happen in the next few days, likewise with the gift. I was also told they would not be able to explain why these mistakes happened. Apparently, there is “no way to tell who was making those deliveries so no way to find out how they went wrong”. Excuse me? Umm, FedEx – aren’t you a rather large company? Aaaand you don’t keep records? You don’t know who vanishes with a truck of thousands of pounds worth of other people’s property? Can I walk in to one of your depots and drive one of these vans away please? Since you don’t record or organise who does this it should be pretty fucking easy, yeah? Get myself a little uniform and I reckon I could pull it off. Twats.

To really take the biscuit (and repeatedly rape us with it), they sent us a further, surprise bill, (we’d already paid postage) and threatened to take my girlfriend to court if she didn’t pay it immediately!

To this day, I have no explanation, no refund, and absolutely no mystery gift for my girlfriend.

Federal Express are a miserable, doltish bunch of thieving, lying, scumbag cowboy cretins, and never will I or my girlfriend buy anything from a website that insists that we take delivery from this bunch of pathetic shit-eating lowlifes. I wish I had remembered the names of the scum-sucking bitches who lied to me on the phone as I would name and shame every one of them here. Unlike Daz here I can’t record my phone calls.

Believe me, I’m an eloquent, intelligent and professional man with a very large vocabulary, but FedEx has pissed me off (and my girlfriend – which is worse, why did she deserve all this shit?) so much I don’t know what else to say. FedEx is staffed, exclusively, with lying, cheating cunts. Some achievement, pat yourselves on the back, wankers.

Ordered something since that was delivered by DHL, who got it to me on time, in the right place.

Germany: 1 – USA: 0

Share on Facebook