Mr Daz

Some people were just born to be stupid. It’s in their genes. No amount of education, training or time can divert them off the path of utter moronic dedication. Interestingly, most of these people seem to work for Home Delivery Network – at least if the comments on this blog are anything to go by.

So how does HDNL manage to find so many racist, aggressive, hate filled people to work for them – many of whom are happy to spend their down time reading this website and insulting customers? You may be surprised to know that these utter dredges of society seek out HDNL in the first place; at least, the ones who are able to find HDNL do so anyway.

Some of them fail even that simple act of navigation (which in an ironic twist, you’d think would make them the perfect delivery drivers?).

This evening I received an email through this website from someone wanting to apply to be a delivery driver with Home Delivery Network.

I shit you not.

Presumably after Googling for HDNL they found this website, as so many of you have done too, but rather than realise that this is in fact a blog (one that used to be about SEO and Internet Marketing, but happily lost its way many years ago) this idiot of epic proportions believed MrDaz.com to be Home Delivery Network’s website…

I know, I was shocked too.

This is his application:

Sender: ali
Subject: Mr Daz Enquiry: driver
On 25 March 2010 at 19:25

i have full uk drinen license over 16 yrs also it is clean,i am looking for delivery job

Well… he sounds ideal. He can’t spell, string a sentence together or even find HDNL in the first place – he should be perfect for the role. Snap him up now I say!

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Now, I realise I do tend to offend people from time to time. I can’t help it, I just speak up about things that bother me and that tends to bother other people. HDNL drivers, Carphone Warehouse employees, chav scum – they’ve all been angered by me in the past. It’s something I’m comfortable with.

However, I was still a little surprised to see how many people have found this website by searching for Mr Daz specifically… and in case you think it might be another Mr Daz, check out some of the search phrases that people have been using – in order of popularity:

mr daz
mrdaz
mr daz csa
mr daz is a wanker
mr daz computeach
mr daz home delivery hdnl
daz on hotmail
mr daz is a prick
usability before seo and ppc mrdaz
mr daz hdnl
mrdaz insults
mr daz.com
csa mr daz

Who are these people?

I particularly like the ‘mrdaz insults’ – it’s given me an idea for a blog, and possibly a book. The little book of Mr Daz insults: for that time when your own vocabulary leaves you devoid of a cutting vitriol.

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I’m pretty sure I’ve explained reputation management on this website before. It’s quite simple, it’s about making sure that your business or personal name features positive results in the search engines when someone searches for you.

That’s the basic idea at least. Yet most people don’t understand how this works, and they think that by visiting websites and forums that feature negative comments, and ‘pretending’ to be someone impartial who is posting a positive comment, they’ll redress the balance.

This is of course idiotic. The public aren’t that stupid and anyone who tries this will be found out for the moron that they are.

Take this comment by a ‘Carphone Warehouse customer’ for instance. The post itself ranks on the first page of Google for ‘Carphone Warehouse Complaints’, and has obviously been spotted by Carphone Warehouse themselves, who hoped to convince the 70+ people who had commented on the blog that Carphone Warehouse were in fact a good company, by pretending to be a customer.

Here is the comment in full:

Just thought I’d add, I’ve been a carphone warehouse customer for over 10 years now and have never had a bad experience with them. I have had to put 2 phones in for repair due to faults, I paid my deposit for “loan phone” and within a couple of weeks recieved my phone back working fine and had my deposit refunded within a reasonable time.

Happy customers don’t seem to get so passionate about their experience as unhappy buyers…

Surely we should be getting upset with the manufacturers issuing substandard goods onto the market, then washing their hands of said products, leaving the retailer to pick up the tab.

Sounds a little fishy doesn’t it?

The first line for example, “I’ve been a carphone warehouse customer for over 10 years now and have never had a bad experience with them” – that set the alarm bells ringing straight away. Anyone who claims to have been with Carphone Warehouse for 10 years and has never had a problem with them is clearly delusional, or not to be trusted.

The use of wording too seems a little odd, almost as though it came from a handbook “had my deposit refunded within a reasonable time”. What’s a reasonable time? Couldn’t they commit to a time?

The final paragraph that sided with the retailers clearly shows that this person works for a retailer. Nobody speaks like that otherwise.

Of course all of this is conjecture. I may be reading too much into this and this person may indeed be a genuine customer of Carphone Warehouse with 10 years of nothing but good experiences with them.

Then again, as this idiot used their REAL email address to post the comment, robinsc02@cpwplc.com, perhaps their comment should be taken with a HUGE pinch of salt.

C Robins of Carphone Warehouse; when you attempt to play reputation management online, pretending to be a customer of your own company, at least have the intelligence to NOT use your own business email address!

Muppet.

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The Royal British Legion today thanked football club Manchester United for their fans’ dedication to making Old Trafford a place of solitude for the entire season in aid of Remembrance Day. Where other football teams made do with just a ‘two minutes’ silence, Manchester United knew they could go one better and host a whole season of silence at their ground.

United’s fans have behaved in an exemplary manner all season in upholding the silence, not uttering a single word during United’s home games. Sir Alex Ferguson paid tribute to his team’s fans in making Old Trafford a Theatre of Silence by saying:

Our fans have been great. They haven’t uttered a sound all season, even when we were losing to Sunderland and needed their support. They stayed silent and just watched.

Former United player and ambassador to football, David Beckham, added:

Yeah like, er, it’s great that the fans are so into Remembrance of the Daleks. It’s one of Brooklyn’s favourite Doctor Who episodes, mine too. It’s ace.

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This week I went to the Vermilion & Cinnabar in Hulme, Manchester, for an early birthday meal. The meal was part of the Hi Life club and was in a private function room near the top of this very impressive, £4.5 million restaurant.

Before I go on, I must stress just how impressive the restaurant itself is. The building is a work of art and the décor inside is stunning (as you can see from the photos). The food was quite good too, if a little heavy on the rice (there seemed to be rice with every course).

Now, the problem with this event was the insistence on the evening being part of the ‘Hi Life’ deal, and the pretence that came along with that. Before the meal was served a French guy was wheeled out to explain his personal choices of wine to accompany the meal, and why each wine was selected. In typical French fashion he waffled on about how the crisp, full bodied flavour complimented the dish, and how the red was chosen to accompany the lamb.

We were suspicious when the waiter came round with the wine and he had his hand strategically placed over the label so you couldn’t see what it was. The waitress who came round minutes later wasn’t so careful. They were serving Blossom Hill.

Restaurant – £4.5 million
Wine – £2.99
Look on the ‘French’ man’s face when his wine choice was rumbled – priceless

Then the French guy came out again before the main course to explain his next choice of wine (and we clocked this time that he never mentioned the name of it, which you would expect a wine expert to do). The drunk woman opposite asked him in a broad Manc accent if all of the wines were from California.

He replied in the affirmative.

She then asked if they were all going to be Blossom Hill, looking very angry. The apologetic Frenchman stood his ground and confirmed that Blossom Hill was indeed his wine of choice for each course.

Why go to all that trouble building an incredible restaurant, only to serve the cheapest wine that Asda has to offer in a supposed high life members’ meal?

It was very funny though.

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I’ve already posted on this website about my annoyance of people who can’t tell the difference between ‘loose’ and ‘lose’, but I didn’t think a professional company such as Mars would make that mistake on the packet of one of its chocolates.

I was wrong, and Mars really needs to proof read its products more carefully.

A recent promotion on Revels asked people not to ‘loose hope’ when it came to the coffee flavour being replaced for a limited time only… except it wasn’t for a limited time only, it was for a ‘lmited time only’.

Not one, but two typos in one sentence. That’s pretty damn poor and the sort of errors you’d expect from a primary school kid rather than a major confectionery giant such as Mars.

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Hard luck chaps in losing 2-0 to Barca in the Champions League Final!

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As someone who likes to slack off wherever possible (just kidding if anyone important is reading this) the prospect of playing online Scalextric was just too good to be true, especially as it’s a real car, sort of.

The new Golf GTI launches in the UK on May 22nd, and as everyone who knows me is aware, I’m quite into my cars. To promote the release of the ultimate boy racer car, the folks and Volks have created an online Scalextric game where you can test out the new GTI on a virtual test track, using rendered video sequences for the race.

The game is just like the real thing whereby if you keep your finger firmly pressed on the controller you’ll find your car rapidly exiting the track, only to wait patiently while a chap in a white coat retrieves your GTI and places it, slowly, back on the road.

You can play the game online here and test your times against your mates, though I personally recommend playing against a 3 year old (that was always my tactic, and it proved very successful).

Worth mentioning too, if you set the course alight you could win a 3 month test drive of a real Golf GTI. I can’t imagine there’d be much left of one after 3 months if I drove it.

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