Exercise doesn’t agree with me

I recently went to play squash again. The reason for this madness is that my intense routine of drinking copious quantities of alcohol every week is catching up with my fitness.

I’m not very fit right now.

Considering how fit I used to be, going to the gym at least five times a week and taking Wing Chun Kung Fu twice a week, I felt it was about time I got back into the fitness saddle.

We used to play squash regularly last year, before I twisted my knee making an over vigorous serve, so it’s not like I didn’t know what I’d be getting myself in for. However, 12 months with little or no exercise really wasn’t a good idea.

You can tell which one of these is the before and after shot.

22nd Stockport Beer Festival

I am so glad I took today off. Last night we went to the Stockport Beer Festival at Edgley Park, and I feel ever so slightly rough today. I woke up at 9:30 and realised that at this time last year I’d been in work for an hour after walking home the night before.

Day off, excellent idea.

One thing I think we did wrong, but we’ll do the same next year I’m sure, is to start with the high percentage drinks first, then work our way down. We went straight for the 8% Old Tom, whereas most people were working their way up to the stronger beers. Consequently we were twatted after just a few drinks.

One tip I picked up from a guy in work known as ‘The Bear’; when selecting your glass go for a pint glass and ask for half a pint. They always over fill it. I reckon we each had an extra half pint easily, if not more. The woman in the photo was blind as a bat and Paulie had two thirds of one drink.

Top tip Bear.

I’m going for a lie down now, so I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

Police showing how useless they are again

This last week I had another call from the good old British police force. How I love to hear their crap. What did they want this time I hear you ask? Well, it seems they were calling me to let me I know I’d been the victim of crime.

Oh really? Yes, it appears that someone has damaged my house in South Wales, they’ve knocked a hole in the underside of one of the rooms overhanging a footpath.

Yes, I know this. This happened before my tenants moved in. The letting agent is aware of it, they’re dealing with it.

Still the female copper insisted on taking my name so I could have a ‘crime number’. I lost my rag my with her (you can sense by this point that I’m cursing the fact that I’m not recording this call).

I asked what’s the point? Why take my name, why give me a crime number. She said it was for her paperwork, at which point I snapped. I questioned the point of this, the point of her and the point of the police. Were they going to catch anyone? Were they going to investigate?

She had the cheek to say that she’d checked the property and found no forensic evidence! Forensic evidence!!! It’s not a sodding murder case. What did she do, get the serious crimes squad down there? I doubt it.

And to be honest, it’s not like you need fucking Poirot to solve the case, the kids who did it graffitid there names on the wall below, two girls called Helen and Sam and they live just up the road. Not the smartest kids on the block, but then the police aren’t smart enough to catch ’em either.

Even if they did, if I frog marched the police up to the house where the culprits lived, they still wouldn’t do anything would they? They’re under 15.

Then the stupid woman asked if I could come in and make a statement. I’m in Manchester, 190 miles away. What’s the point? What good would that do?

She said it was for their paperwork.

So there we have it. Whenever a crime is committed a police officer fills out some paperwork and takes a statement, then files it. That should send a chilling warning to anyone thinking of breaking the law.

Makes you glad to be British doesn’t it?

Time wasters.

Let Optimized Web Design spam you up

Being a high ranking website for a great many terms, this site gets its fair share of spam comments from people hoping to promote their own piss poor websites. One such comment was from the jokers at Optimized Web Design.

These idiots spammed up one of my posts stating how they build SEO friendly websites. Well that’s nice to know, but what that’s got to do with the post I made?

I guess Optimized Web Design actually promote their clients’ websites in much the same manner, spamming them up like this in an attempt to rank them through the service provided by the spam merchants ‘myclicks.us’.

You can see that email was submitted by links@myclisks.us, who obviously have been paid by the idiots at Optimized Web Design to plug their shit on my blog.

Of course, reading between the lines I can guess that the idiot responsible actually got his email wrong, and it’s actually myclicks.us, another spam company.

Author : Ivaylo Kostadinov (IP: , 170.direct-204-137.bgcell.net)
E-mail : links@myclisks.us
URL : http://www.optimizedwebdesign.us
Whois : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=
The Optimized Web Design is an innovative, SEO – friendly website design that has the option for quick search engine indexation and is intended to make websites attractive to both users and search engines. Check the new service and position your business now!

Stay off my website you spamming bastards. That’s not SEO, imbeciles.

Why are Manchester United fans so stupid?

Last night I went to the local pub to watch the Champions League final between Man UTD and Chelski. The problem with this is, I live in Manchester and I’m a Liverpool fan; so naturally I was supporting Chelski. So there I was, surrounded by nouveaux Man UTD fans, listening to their stupid, moronic chants.

First off, the imbeciles were singing ‘Rooney, Rooney, Rooney’… which I naturally thought was ‘Munich, Munich, Munich’ – to which I was reliably informed not to sing as it wouldn’t have gone down well. No, they were chanting for Wayne Rooney, their Liverpudlian striker. This was promptly followed by a song about burning scousers on a bonfire, despite the only scouser actually playing in the game, playing for them. The aforementioned Wayne Rooney.

Dumb fuckers.

They then went on an anti-City chant, singing about how Man City should, and I quote ‘Fuck off home’. This was sung to the tune of ‘nick-nack-paddy-whack’, a cockney song… hmm, a bunch of United fans singing a cockney song while watching their team playing against a London club. I actually pointed this out to the room in my usual subtle style, shouting why are you dumb bastards singing a fucking cockney song? They didn’t really have an answer.

Then, when United scored through Ronaldo, the tossers became quite obnoxious. Luckily, it wasn’t long before Frank Lampard equalised, prompting the whole pub to go quiet… save for me. I was jumping up in the air cheering. The caused quite a stir, and some guy in his late 50s, in a Man UTD shirt obviously (actually, it was a ‘Manchester’ t-shirt, maybe he couldn’t afford a football shirt) came up to me and said I was a ‘marked man’. If I didn’t leave the pub I’d be dead by the end of the game.

I did ask him as politely as I could ‘How old are you?’, to which he replied ‘It doesn’t fuckin’ matter, you’re a dead man’.

Petrified, I ordered another round of Guinness. The woman next to me at the bar was pissing herself, and asked why the old man wanted to kill me just because I was a Chelsea fan in Manchester. I corrected her that, firstly, I’m a Liverpool supporter, and secondly, we’re in Stockport. Another fact that seemed completely alien to the ‘Manchester United’ fans.

Sadly the game ended with Terry and Anelka missing the decisive kicks, prompting some annoying celebrations from the pub. One kid, who must have been around 19, went round people hugging them. He came to me with his arms outstretched and, before he got to me, said ‘are you a United fan?’ as he approached. I said quite abruptly, ‘no’, and pushed him away.

He wasn’t happy. For some reason he wanted to ‘kick my head in’. Naturally he didn’t, being a typical United fan. Just like the old guy who said I was a ‘marked man’.

What’s worse is now all of the closet fans will be out, sporting their shirts that haven’t seen the light of day since about this time last year when United last won the Premiership.

It’s all summed up I guess by Sky Sports News yesterday morning when they interviewed some United fans in Red Square in Moscow. They had their Man U shirts on and a large Man U banner. ‘So where are you from?’ asked the presenter… ‘Essex’ said the glory hunting twat with a grin.

The roads around Manchester airport were very busy this morning, probably due to all the Man UTD fans fucking off back to London.

In fact I work with a guy who would make the perfect Man U fan; he doesn’t live in Manchester and he knows fuck all about football.

Spam aimed at religious idiots

Religious people, by their very definition, are gullible. After all, if they’re stupid enough to believe in fictional ‘gods’ then obviously they’re gullible enough to believe in any old bollocks. This makes them prime targets for scammers, particularly if you play on the ‘Jesus card’.

There’s nothing the religious like to hear more than someone else showing how much they too love Jesus, because of course another follower of their particular bogus faith will no doubt be a trustworthy sucker like themselves.

Therefore, you’ll often get scam emails sent around that bang on about Jesus and Christianity for ages in order to establish some sort of affinity with their target sucker, the religious freak. One such scam email I received recently was this:

From: Hizbeith Carlson <hizbeith_2@hotmail.com >
Subject: From Mrs Hizbeith Carlson

From Mrs Hizbeith Carlson
Abidjan Cote D’ Ivoire

Dearest in Christ,

As you can see from the first line, this one’s gonna lay it on nice and thick. Any religious idiot worth their salt will be impressed with a ‘Dearest in Christ’ intro, and will read on, their heart warmed at such a message.

Greetings in the Name above all names, Jesus Christ our Lord and saviour, I am Mrs Hizbeith Carlson. I am married to Mr.Livingston Carlson who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for many years before he died in the year 2005.We were married without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were both born again Christian.

It gets better, this woman is a born again Christian. She must truly be worthy of knowing, and as her husband died quickly without suffering, god must have looked kindly on him, or some such shit.

Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of (($ Three million two hundred thousand dollar in a Bank in Ivory Coast. Presently, this money is still in bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem.

Here we go, there’s money involved. Who saw that one coming? She’s got cancer and millions of dollar US. The broken English isn’t some attempt to play on people’s sympathy mind you, it’s partly because the author doesn’t use English as a first language and partly because the target audience is too stupid to notice anyway.

The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a charity organization that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want an organization that will use this fund for orphanages, school and church, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained, Isaiah 56:7 For my house will be called a house of prayer for all nations.” The Bible made us to understand that “Blessed is the hand that giveth”.I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers.

She’s donating money to orphanages. How noble. God’s good work being carried out once again. She’s quoting the Bible, which means she must be a Christian, and she doesn’t want her money going to people who aren’t Christian. The essence of religion, anyone who doesn’t follow the same fairy story you do is clearly not worthy of your help.

We must read on.

I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that “the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace”. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank.

More Bible quotes and bullshit about the money being used for evil if you don’t take it from her. Any good Christian will be reaching for their bank details as they read this, feeling it is god’s will that they stupidly fall into this bullshit.

I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian.

Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

I’m struggling to believe at this point, that even someone stupid enough to believe in god would be so stupid as to believe this horse turd. But then I guess some people must do.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply with the above information.

Remain blessed in the Lord

Yes, remain blessed in the Lord. Stupid bastards.

Take care,
In Christ’s Holy Love

Yours Sister in Christ
Mrs Hizbeith Carlson

What a sign off, in Christ’s Holy Love… your Sister in Christ.

You have got to be one dumb fuck to actually believe any of this, which as I stated is why they target the religious imbeciles who believe in god.

Be wary of spam emails like this, they’re not all this easy to spot 😉

The Ten Commandments; why god was rubbish at Internet Marketing

I’m sure you’ve heard of the ten commandments (I actually had to look them up for this, but there you go). They’re the supposed rules handed down by some bloke with a beard, to another bloke with a beard who looked remarkably like Charlton Heston.

Anyway, the ten commandments aren’t particularly well optimised for SEO. You’d think a list of items made by god would be great link bait, but sadly god didn’t really put much effort into the whole thing, he didn’t read SEOchat.com and didn’t take any advice from John Chow or Shoemoney, otherwise he’d have created a wicked piece of link bait.

For example, writing the ten commandments on stone tablets and smashing them? Not particularly indexable. Google struggles with querystrings and session IDs, it’s not going to manage to index something scrawled on stone. Then, much like creating a splash page with no text, he shoves them in the ark of the covenant and shuts the lid.

Googlebot won’t get past that in a hurry.

Then of course there’s the total number of commandments, ten. Not the ideal number for a list is it? We all know the best number is seven items. Ten is too many, people get bored. Who’s going to stumble a list of ten and read them all? Nobody, that’s who. They’ll get down as far ‘no committing adultery’ and then move on, probably to a site with a funny video of a old woman falling off the roof of her house. Much more entertaining.

Also the content is a bit, well, tame. When you create a list (of 7 items, not 10), you want the content to be controversial, entertaining and funny. Honour they father and mother? Pretty forgettable stuff.

Let’s look at the original list as created by Charlton Heston.

  1. You shall have no other gods before me
  2. You shall not make for yourself an idol
  3. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God
  4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
  5. Honor your father and mother
  6. You shall not murder
  7. You shall not commit adultery
  8. You shall not steal
  9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
  10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house / You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife

Nothing there that would make me want to link it or Digg it.

Interestingly, the not committing adultery is a funny one. It classes adultery as a sexual act between a man and a woman who is married to another man. So… if the woman isn’t married, a married man can have an affair with her, in the eyes of the Christians.

Guess they were a little bit sexist back then.

Anyhow, back to the seven commandments. Let’s have a go at optimising that list for SEO purposes, and see if we can’t make it better link bait.

  1. You shall have no other gods before me, unless they’re really cool, like Eric Cantona or Paul Gascoigne – they’re OK
  2. You shall vote for your favourite idol so long as you disagree with Simon Cowell
  3. Sunday’s are for shopping in Tesco, there’s less religious tossers on a Sunday
  4. Wrongfully using the name of your god is funny, especially when swearing at ethnic minorities – but as we all know god doesn’t exist, so what the hell!
  5. Murder who you like, religion is the cause of all wars anyway so just blame god, everyone else does
  6. Adultery is fun
  7. Shag your neigbour’s wife, she’s probably gagging for it anyway. While you’re there nick the fucker’s lawnmower too, he ain’t using it

There, that’s better. An optimised list of the Seven Commandments. If only god had thought about how he’d rank in Google when he came up with the original ones.

Stockport Beer and Cider Festival

How time flies when you’re pissed. This time last year I travelled with my flatmate to the Stockport Beer Festival at Stockport’s Edgeley Park. We went on a Thursday night last year, knowing full well that work would prove difficult the next day. Sure enough, as you can tell from my account of the evening, it all went off as expected.

This year the Stockport Beer and Cider Festival rears its drunken head once again between Thursday May 29th – Saturday May 31st. I’ll be going again, only this time I’m taking the Friday off work. No more trekking around Stockport at 4:00am when I have to get up 3 hours later for work.

If you’re going, I’ll see you there. If you’re unsure of the times I’ve pasted them below, seeing as I only just got the leaflet from the Bear in work. Why wasn’t I sent one? I’m so jealous.

Anyway, the times are:

Thursday 29th May
5:30pm – 11:00pm (admission £2)

Friday 30th May
11:30am – 3:30pm (admission FREE)
5:30pm – 11:00pm (admission £4)

Saturday 31st May
11:30am – 4:00pm (admission £2)
6:30pm – 11:00pm (admission £2)

Obviously it’s FREE entry to Camra members… I really should sign up this year.